sticks and stones may break my bones

sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will never hurt me....

She was just a girl. Little, in fifth grade, with uncontrolled frizzy hair and a freckly face. But, despite that, oh so awkward stage, she felt good that day. In fact, she felt amazing and full of confidence. She had on these cool pants - floral pants, very 80s pants, with a bright bold pattern splashed about everywhere. And she had on her white sweatshirt - cute with the 3/4 length sleeves and the trendy emblem on the front. In her mind? Perfection.

She got permission to look at the nailpolish in Target while her mom and dad looked at the shampoo in the next aisle. She looked - at the reds, blues and the pinks - feeling as if nothing could stop her right then. To her, it was the perfect growing up type of afternoon. And just then, three boys, teenagers probably, came around the corner, saw her, the anonymous girl, and decided to yell something at her.

Hey Ugly.

She looked up, the once confident little eleven year old in her favorite outfit, and saw them. Laughing. At her. They ran off and left her standing there in the midst of pointless nailpolish. Who cared about luscious pink and cherry reds now. Now, she hated her clothes. She hated those pants with the purple flowers splotched about. She hated her hair. She now thought she was ugly.

And she lived with that. For years and years and years.

Hey Ugly.

She grew. Got married. Had children. Yet, still in the background of her mind were those two little words. Hey Ugly. She let them grow and grow and grow. Then it developed into more and more more lies about herself that developed from one little lie yelled at her in the midst of an early years Target.

You're not good enough.
No one likes you.
You're dumb.
You can't do it.
You'll never do anything.

All from Hey Ugly.

Until, one day, that little girl, who was now an adult learned the truth of Hey Ugly. She learned that she was not ugly, but rather a daughter of the King. She learned that those kids, those boys, probably never thought again of the words that they yelled at that little girl in Target with her fabulously cute, but never worn again, floral pants. Or how those words could define a life. Until the girl, now an adult, decided to no longer live with those words defining her life. She instead began to live knowing that she was beautiful - In the Lord.

She learned about the power of words. She learned how callously and carelessly they are thrown around - little phrases here and there and when these words are left unchecked they grow into lies distorting the truth of self. She learned that as a mother that she needs to absolutely guard the words that she tells her children. She learned that she is not an emotion. She is not angry, sad, mad, scared, fearful and all of that. She is much more than emotion.

And she learned to forgive and let go of the hurt from those boys that decided in their world to be funny and yell at a little girl Hey Ugly.

She wasn't ugly. She just believed them.

But, not anymore.

She learned how those are lies of a culture that are destined to hold people, to hold women, to hold moms back. The lies don't define a life. The lies don't define worth. They don't define value. Or potential. They don't define beauty. They don't define capability. Instead she learned that truth defines.

And now, she's sitting here, behind a laptop writing to you.

She's telling you that you are not ugly, worthless, pointless, never going to measure up, a failure, don't matter, and all of that lie filled chatter that can run through our minds. Rather, you are beautiful. You are worthy. You are full of potential. You, right now, in your home with all that you are doing and have to do, with those old lies that no longer need to run through your head, you are absolutely beautiful.

Do not ever forget that.

Do not ever listen to the Hey Ugly cries of this world.

You are more than that.

You are a beautiful daughter of the King.

She's telling you, she's imploring of you, to listen to that finding joy truth instead.

*****
this post is  a small portion of the keynote that I gave at the 2:1 Conference 
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to those of you with dreams

to those of you with dreams
any kind of dream
simple dreams
motherhood dreams
writing dreams
little dreams
big dreams
clean house dreams
job dreams
just a dream...

in that moment before you leap
when you look in wonder and watch
and pray and dream
and build up courage
and try to believe
and let go of the all the no's
or your crazy or it will never works..

Have faith...

...to follow those dreams

leap
jump
soar
have courage
go
don't look back
have hope
trust
move
believe.

Dare to dream.
And dare even more to leap.
Dare even more to jump
{I'm jumping with you.}

Jump.

I love that picture of Elijah. He was outside, jumping and jumping and jumping, trying to reach that bar. It was an example to me of tenacity. His dream? To get that bar. :) What reminds you to keep moving? To keep jumping? To have courage to follow your dream?

***
By the way, the winners of the book He Heard Hannah by Lynnette Kraft are Liz and Lawanna -- congrats! (email from me will be coming.)

the smallest things.

"Sometimes,' said Pooh,

'the smallest things

take up the most room in your heart."

I sat in this chair a year ago, on the last day of 2010, thinking about what 2011 would bring. I wondered, and prayed, and hoped, and dreamed about the possibilities that might happen. It was the closing of a year and the beginning of a new.

I even chose a word.

Contentment.

january 2011

And early, very, very early in my year of seeking contentment, I experienced one of my most crushing, most difficult, moments as a mother. I was raw, on my knees, at the foot of Jesus in prayer for my Samuel. It was this deep valley with fear, anxiety, and sadness that tried to take root in my soul. I was helpless -- watching and praying and utterly humbled in those early months of 2011.  It was Celiac Disease.

Somehow in those days of rawness and fighting I began to see life through a different lens. A smallest things kind of lens. It started when I sat in the teeny darkened hospital room while I stared at the monitor that blinked showing Samuel's pulse, and oxygen, and listened to the steady swish of his iv. I was broken. In that place, a place I never wanted to be, I prayed, Come unto me you who are burdened and I will give you rest. I was weary.

Rest didn't mean taking away the pain. Rest didn't mean leaving the hospital immediately. Rest was deeper.

Simpler.

Rest came.

I found it.

Not in the big things, no, not at all.

But, in the smallest, the simplest things of life.

No longer did the big goals seem to be what my heart yearned for -- instead it switched to simple and small gratitude. And in that spirit of gratitude I began to live. Deeply. Aware that joy in life can come from the small moments, the gifts, and in the simple joys found in the everyday.

It started with me being grateful for those monitors that beeped. Then for the bed. And the nurses. And labs. And it grew and grew and grew.

In the sweet sayings of a four year old.
Flowers from a Trader Joe's employee.
A phone call from a doctor.
Rain in the morning.
Prayers from a son.
Coffee bought by my daughter for me with her money as a surprise.

Those smallest things have become beautiful things in my heart.

So now, as I sit here, in the same chair with an entire year spread in front of me I wonder the same wonders as last year. I wonder what the year will bring. But, I will also be aware, watching, looking -

For the smallest finding joy things in life.

For they are the biggest.

Goodbye, 2011.

thoughts on planes, airports, and marriage

1} Last Monday if someone would have told me that I was going to Relevant I would have laughed and thought it to be impossible.  I know, I know, nothing is impossible for God. I'm witnessing it right now.

2} I do need to calm my nerves down. I think I must be operating at ultra-high-anxiety mode right now. I have to intentionally still my self -- I keep praying and asking the Lord to replace any anxiety with His peace.

3} Then of course, there's that flying thing again. If you recall from when I went to Hilton Head Island this summer that I wrote about how this girl, that's me, doesn't really care for flying. Well, due to the last minute nature of this amazing trip and opportunity, I am now flying the oddest and fullest flight possible. With many plane changes. Let's see -- on the way out? There will be three flights. Three take-offs, three landings. Not that I'm counting.

4} Then, and this is a prayer request, the time between plane changes on my first leg out {in Milwaukee, Wisconsin} is a grand total of 29 minutes. Yes, 29. Twenty-nine. Two tens plus nine ones. Thirty take away one. That's it. Thankfully, I've already studied the map of that airport and have discovered that all of the Delta flights are on the same concourse and that there aren't that many gates. But, anyways, if you'd pray that I make my connections I'd be extremely grateful.

That would be the Milwaukee Airport Map. Yes, I've been studying it.

5} And now, we get to plane size. Since I'm skipping across the country to Harrisburg I don't get the luxury of a larger plane. Nope. I'm on those regional sized planes. The ones where you can feel everything. Please add that to your prayer requests - peace for me on those teeny planes.

6} I had to do it this way. The other options were switching airlines on the way out and that would have entailed extra baggage fees. $25 a pop per airline. I originally wasn't going to bring a bag. And then I remembered -- conference with women. I'll need stuff. Well, really and honestly, my dear husband refused to let me just go with a carry-on because he was afraid I'd hurt my shoulder worse and then suffer the whole time I'm out there. I love him and am blessed by him.

7} God works in powerful and direct ways. I've been praying a great deal about marriage and strengthening our marriage and more. Well, tomorrow I'm going to introduce you to one of my sponsors, Ashley Pichea, who has written marvelous e-books and has a great blog. As part of my sponsorship I'm honored  to promote to you, and to the many amazing women at Relevant, her new e-book regarding marriage. It's called -31 Days to Build a Better Spouse {you can visit it at 31daystopray.com } And it's on the power of prayer. God knew. He knew my heart and knew beforehand how much I need to read this ebook. It's humbling. i"m excited to share more with you and to journey through her book.

Oh yes, and one last thing, anyone know anywhere where I could get business cards made fast? I've tried to price them online and they cost over $100 to get them made and shipped in time. Any options that you all know of?

Linking up with Carissa. Who will be going with me next year to Relevant. We're already planning it. :)

keep up your courage.

I'm going to Relevant11.

This all came together so fast -- it was through the generosity of others and the prayers of many. But, I'm going. And honestly, truth is -- I'm a bit scared. Last night I went to bed {after this all got put together} and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I'm not even sure where the tears originated, but they kept on coming.

This is out of my comfort zone. I know I've written about it before, but I keep hearing the words keep up your courage from the book The Courage of Sarah Noble run through my head. If she can do it, that ten year old girl, then certainly I can push myself and be bold.

Truth is -- I know I'm to go. I know that the Lord needs to stretch some things in me, and that there are some things that I need to let go of. I've been holding onto these hurts and sadness for so long -- celiac disease, financial issues, health -- and all they've done is fester. I knew it last night when I went to bed. It was fear, but it was also acknowledgement of the need to surrender to God. To not cling so tightly to my earthly agenda and to begin to once again live in stronger faith and trust. To step out of the boat, not look back, and live courageously.

Keep up your courage.

I keep telling myself that -- as I think about switching planes {twice} to get there. Or arriving late {it was the only flight that I could afford and the only times that would work for our family.} Or walking into that room feeling vulnerable. It's of letting go of my selfish part  -- the part of me that would love to get some new nice things to wear, or have extra cash to spend, or come all polished and put-together. But, I can't. And I know I'm to just come. As I am. Just me.

So today, I have a very grateful and thankful heart mixed with a very nervous  and overwhelmed and blessed and excited and hopeful heart.

Keep up your courage.

two thumbs up. four stars. must see.

I know you all come here for my amazing movie reviews, and I'm glad that I can make them a favorite and regular feature of finding joy. I've enjoyed all the time that I've spent writing each one and hope that they've blessed you. Okay. Sigh -- this is the first movie review/recommendation that I've EVER written. But, I saw an amazing movie last night and really wanted to share it with you.

Our church went together and we saw the movie Courageous. It was inspiring, challenging, poignant, and one that I think should be seen.  Here's the trailer, my friends -- watch it -- and then go see the movie. Today.

Just so you know, this movie was produced by the same team that produced Fireproof and Facing the Giants {which happens to be one of our family's favorites}. Here's the website : courageousthemovie

disclaimer - this review was done all on my own and I paid the entire $23 to see the movie in the theater {which was full} with some dear friends of mine. We laughed and cried -- and left challenged and grateful. And, just so you know, I totally think the price is worth it.

Have any of you seen it yet?
Do you have plans to?

{taking off my movie review hat now}

faith of a child

There are some days where I get frustrated for Samuel that he can't eat gluten. Like those times when we want to order pizza {I'll make him his own pizza}, or there's the pastry table set up at church, or when we have hotdogs and he can't have a bun, or when I take him down the cereal aisle at Target. He knows he can't have it -- after all -- he'll tell me "me gooten fwee" -- and yet there are days where I just feel upset that his diet is so limited. Grateful for his health, but still sad that celiac disease affects his life in daily ways.

Then, last night, Brennan helped me put Samuel to bed. Actually, Samuel wanted his John Deere blanket, which was downstairs, and Brennan brought it up to his room. Once there, I asked Brennan if he would say Samuel's prayers.

He started his prayers. Thanking God for the day and for Samuel. Asked angels to guard and protect him. And then, all of a sudden, he prayed -

Jesus, please heal Samuel so one day he can eat gluten. And if he can't let Sammy be happy eating gluten free.

Out of the mouth of my almost eight year old. So innocent. So trusting. So full of faith. How often do I go through life praying with doubt already in my mind? Brennan reminded me to cast all my cares at His feet -- and to pray every single day for Samuel. For healing, contentment, strength, and joy.

He's a pretty happy little guy. Make that a really happy guy.

And very blessed to have a big brother like Brennan.

******

yesterday I wrote about what I've learned from my children. Today, thanks to last night, I've added another. And if anyone know a great gluten free pizza please let me know. :)

teeny spaces are not my favorite

I've got my shoulder mri this afternoon.

My first question to the receptionist when they set it up was -- do I have to go all the way in that ridiculously small tunnel? -- to which she calmly responded -- yes, all the way and you also have to get an iv and injection during the 45 minute procedure.  I don't think I hid my fears well.

Be still my not-liking-teeny-spaces heart.

There's a radiologist and a doctor that will be helping me out. The dye? Visibility. As if a mri isn't enough, now I get to start in the teeny tube -- get some images of that pesky shoulder -- be pulled out and get injected with some dye into my arm -- and then get pushed back into it.

Again, be still my not-liking-teeny-spaces heart.

And my not-liking-needles-too-much heart. Or dye.

So this morning, I'm trying to meditate on the truth of the Lord. I'm reading verses of peace and am prepping myself for that hour in the mri where I will truly have to rest in Him.  

Be still my soul.

I've been looking at pictures of the ocean -- of the wildlife -- and the waves -- and of me on our trip -- carefree and rejoicing and am filled with such gratitude for the seven days I was blessed there. In some ways it was a preparation -- although I didn't know that -- for the weeks to come. When I sat in the waves I remember realizing that I needed the truth of Jesus -- of His power and love -- to replace all those worries and anxieties that clouded my thinking.

Today, at 2:45 pm, while they push me into that teeny space I will remember.

I'll remember a week where I raised my arms freely.

{amy and me, with my crazy south carolina curly hair, on the dolphin cruise}

And I'll thank Jesus for His peace.

And for that  teeny mri space -- even though I don't like it that much -- I'm still grateful for it.

And I'll be still. Still for the images and praying for stillness in my heart.

Be still my soul.

reflections on strength

i sit in the chair
my head resting
my body tired
unable to sleep

my eyes are heavy
so so weary
and yet the pain
the pain keeps me awake.

i hear the laughter around
grace in the backyard
elijah bounding down the stairs
little samuel
so joyful

and i am determined

determined to look at them
see the world with their eyes
the beauty
and joy
and good

even in the midst of pain
because life, well life, is short
and i don't want to lose these days
even though it's harder
than days before

so I cling to those words of Paul
those words in Philippians
about being brought low and
abounding
and in all he could do it
because Christ gave him strength.

that is my prayer
praying for healing
but also for strength from our Savior
and in that strength patience
and laughter
and joy.

it's a season
there's a lesson
keep my eyes open to the good, Jesus.

even when it's hard

thank you for today
and my family
and life

thank you, Jesus, thank you.

sitting in the waves

It's so humid here that the screen of my netbook is fogging up while I'm trying to write.

I've never experienced a vacation that has challenged me more than this trip to South Carolina. On the first night, as I sat in the water and felt the power of the waves as the washed over me I sat there in awe of the Lord. I realized how many things in my life that I cling to -- I want control of -- and that I don't want to let go of - that really needed to be left at His feet.

As the waves cycled I could feel my heart, and all those places of anger and fear and worry and stress, begin to let go. It was impossible to not be and not begin to feel free.

Then Samuel got sick.

My worst fear, really. Before we left I prayed and prayed and prayed for my children. I remember remarking  that I couldn't handle it if Samuel got sick. And then he did. And I grew. I grew in my trust of my husband, and in allowing someone else, someone who I love deeply, take care of him. If I had been home I would have totally taken charge and done the doctor and been up at night. But I wasn't. Todd was there. And there were benefits to me letting go. Samuel knows daddy will be there for him. Todd feels more confident in tending to Samuel and his complex medical needs. I don't have to cling so tightly due to fear. I'm grateful for dear friends (that amazing Maria again) who drop everything to help Todd. For doctors who call me in South Carolina to tell me about Samuel and ask questions. Blessed.

And I learned to have trust. And faith.

It's strange to me how these days at the ocean have opened my eyes to the real important. My family. Relationships. Not stuff. Not things. Not schedules. Trust. So as I sit here on the balcony with my fogged up computer screen and the beating sun and the sound of the ocean in the background and the waves pressing inward I am grateful. Very grateful.

the return of color

June is one of my favorite months. It's a time when the world is washed in brilliant colors -- from the deep purples of petunias to the lushness of green grass to the vibrant fuschias of salvia to the sunset oranges of moss roses hanging from terracotta planters.

I love it.

It's refreshing to see the landscape bursting with vibrance after enduring months and months and months of freezing temps and white and brown.  It reminds me that there is beauty in life -- and that even after hard times, discouraging times, and bleak days there will come a day when color and beauty will return.

Perhaps that's why I garden. To touch the soil and add my own splash of color to the back yard. Or perhaps, on a deeper level, it's to cement in my mind that there can be joy and beauty found in life -- and to watch it grow. It's not easy. It takes work. And time.

So as I prune and plant and water and wait I'm reminded to look at life the same way. To let go of the worry and to have faith that those little seeds, those sprouts, with time will grow beautiful.

It just takes time.

He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water. {Psalm 107:35}

4 weeks

"Hear my prayer Lord, listen to my cry for help."

4 weeks ago I was on the phone with my dear friend Amy.

We were talking about Sam.

My sweet Samuel.

She kept telling me that something wasn't right.

I was trying hard to agree

but I was nervous.

I had seen him fading.

Getting weaker and falling.

Paler and paler.

I tried to explain it away.

(But that was just fear.)

Deep down I knew something was wrong as well.

I just needed to hear it

from someone other than me.

From my angel friend, Amy.

(Amy you saved my Sam - thank you)

I knew in my heart he was sick.

She asked to call her father-in-law

a pediatrician.

I told her okay.

Hung up the phone.

And waited.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you."

My heart raced.

Palms sweaty.

Then she calls back.

"Rach....Rach...Rach"

(I could hear the sorrow in her voice.)

"something is not right with Sam."

I scratched words on my paper

hearts and doodles

smeared with dropping tears.

Her father-in-law, the pediatrician, knew.

He referred us to Samuel's new pediatrician.

Amy immediately calls her.

She tells her that Samuel needs to go 

not to the clinic

but to the Children's Hospital.

"When?" I ask.

(my heart now pounding in fear.)

Then I hear, "within the next 24 hours."

4 weeks ago.

That was what I was hearing right now.

4 weeks.

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

Would I have known how hard I had to fight?

How I would deal with nurses who believed?

And doctors who doubted?

Would I have known the tests?

The tears I fought back as I smiled and prayed and 

looked into his tired face?

Would I have known I would hold him as they put him to sleep?

Feeling his worn body press deep into mine?

(Would I have known the tears that could fall?)

Would I have know how brave Samuel was?

Or how completely exhausted and worn his body was?

(Why did it take so long for them to listen?)

Did I know the strength I would have?

To stay up night after night?

With no sleep?

It wasn't from me.

It was from the Lord.

"I can do all things through him who gives me strength."

And now, here I sit, 4 weeks later.

Still in the journey.

Still praying for healing.

But, it's different now.

Those beginning moments of fear

Of walking into an ER and praying they'd listen.

That's gone.

Now, I fight a new battle.

A battle for strength and growth for Samuel.

Of praying for nutrients to absorb.

It's a battle trying to figure out the whys.

What made him get so sick? What triggered Celiac Disease?

Medically why?

It's a battle against my own fear.

Trusting.

Letting go and believing.

Every day I wake up and wonder

if Samuel will be healthy.

I don't take the morning for granted.

"His mercies are new every morning."

I am not alone.

I have my family.

My friends.

I have prayers from you

(and I am so grateful)

and many others.

As the time ticks by

and I see him play

my heart relaxes, joyful for health.

Who would have known what 

4 weeks would bring?

4 weeks.

"He is mighty to save."

recharged

Samuel's genetic test came back positive for him carrying the celiac gene. Am I surprised? No.  It does help solidify the direction the doctors are taking.  Answers are good.

In other more exciting news -- he's eating -- after weeks of pushing away food!  It is exciting to see him enjoy food again.  He's not absorbing much (the doctors told me what to watch for and how to tell), yet he's still eating.  I am just thankful that he's eating and not in the tremendous pain that he was in for the last couple of weeks.  Right now we need that intestinal tract of his to heal.  Quickly. He's so pale and lacks his full energy.  But, he's better.  Getting recharged -- bit by bit.

So for now, enjoy these pics of Samuel eating his fave -- gluten free noodles and sauce. :)

oh yeah, and painting his face with it.

**********

By the way -- I wanted to update you tonight with news about the vehicle. And that makes 2 days with 2 posts.  Life is busy right now.....:)

It was the battery. (Thank goodness.)

Todd met with a mechanic who checked the old (and very very dead ) battery and then replaced it with a new fully charged one.  The mechanic worked outside in subzero temps -- horrible weather conditions -- but he was awesome and courteous and kind. I could hardly stand the cold when I drove it home so I can't imagine working in that weather.  (By the way, the heat did start to kick on when I pulled in the drive-way. ha ha ha)

So tonight I praise for Samuel's returning appetite and recharged zest for food as well as the recharged (and new) battery.  Thanks for the prayers.  Truly.

where am i walking? and learning? and waiting?

Caleb
1} I've been asked to speak at 3 different events.  The intriguing part was I was asked within 2 different days all events unrelated. I am very very very humbled.  It's not about me.  It's about God -- my love for Him -- and the calling I think He's placed on my heart.

2} I love to share my story.  In fact, I have a heart for women -- for freedom from the labels and chains that society places on us.  And labels that we put on ourselves. So often our day is clouded by our past.  We don't move freely forward, we're looking down and worrying and fretful and often with a sense of overwhelm and hopelessness. Our footing is based on the world's timeline.We remember where we failed, or didn't measure up, or the mistakes made, and so on.  All that is baggage that we're dragging around with us.  Truth is?  We don't have to. Every single day, we can drop that baggage at the feet of Jesus. Learn from it if we need to.  Carry it with us? No. 

3} It's interesting how the Lord works.  For years I've felt called to speak, to share my heart openly, and yet have felt the Lord say I was to wait, and that it was on his time.  And I waited.  I spoke a couple times here and there, but I rested in waiting.

4}Reminds me of this song I love by Vineyard -- where are my eyes? Are they looking up?

  If you say go I will go,

 If you say wait I will wait,

 I you say step out on the water

 and they say it can't be done 

We'll fix our eyes on you and we will come.

5} Parenting requires work. And focus.  And laughter.  Well, thankfully, our children provide us with those moments of laughter, don't they?  Just yesterday my Elijah was so cute.  Here's our conversation after church:

Me - Elijah what did you learn in Sunday School?

Elijah - (big inhale) About God.

Me - Oh, that's great! Tell me more about what you learned about God.

Elijah - (even bigger inhale)  About the Bible

Me - Great! And what about the Bible did you learn?

Elijah - (even bigger inhale than before) Um....About God?

that's my Elijah

6} He's got the basics down.  I've got to give him credit there.  I think we could have gone back and forth on that one for a bit.  But, here's the deal. Elijah is three.  I believe it is critical to talk with him about church, and God, and what he learned right now.  Not wait till he's older.  But now.  Even though it went in a loop.  I want him to know that I value him and his relationship with the Lord.

7} And, by the way, Elijah learned about the Magi.  I am THANKFUL for the sheets sent home with my little ones.  If you teach little kids -- send home info sheets. Or a coloring page.  Or, if you don't, talk with the parents.  :)

8} My friend, Lynnette - from Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground, wrote an interesting article on parenting priorities that was influenced by an article in the Wall Street Journal titled "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior."  Lynnette does a beautiful job unpacking the article -- worth reading -- and articulating her goal as a mother.  Click HERE to read and be blessed by her words of wisdom.

9} Finally, for all of you who are curious how my early rising is going -- today I woke at 5:49 am.  Samuel woke up, and I put him back to bed, and stayed awake.  Victory!  For all of you who are joining me in trying to rise earlier, how are you doing?  Any tricks for me? Besides the cup of freshly brewed Caribou Coffee that is half gone sitting in front of me?

***************************

Link up with Carissa and her fabulous Miscellany Monday Meme.  And read a post Carissa wrote about parenting as well.  Just scroll back to her post previous to this week's Miscellany.  It's another excellent perspective.  Oh, yeah, and she's a doing a give-away for a $50 gift card to Lisa Leonard's jewelery.  Just thought I'd throw that out there....;)

Even though I'm hoping to win.

shoulder pain? no thank you

It's hard to type this morning.

When I was younger I hurt my shoulder -- and had two surgeries to correct it -- yet, now as I'm getting older my shoulder and neck area will periodically get inflamed. I've had stints where I've had to undergo physical therapy for months, and then more months where it doesn't bother me.  Over the past week I've felt pain creeping back into my shoulder and neck. And now?  I can't lift Samuel.  I can hardly move.  In fact, in the middle of the night it wakes me up.

It's hard to do life with pain.
Even though I know that it's temporary.

When I focus on the pain, or that my fingers are partially numb, then it is so easy to get discouraged.  So I try not to.  But, I know that today will take more strength then I have.  I know that it will be much easier for me to be short, or snippy, or down.

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

As I verified the Scripture this morning I was directed to another verse.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest in me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Today I need that grace. I praise Him in all things.

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service.  (1 Timothy 1:12)

So today I walk forward resting in him.

not by sight

Last night I had one of those WAKE UP moments.  You know, those times in life that diverge from the norm?  Maybe it's as extreme as a tragedy or as minor as a near accident -- it's those moments where you get snapped from the normalcy of everyday and can see life from a different perspective.

part of the road to ballet on a normal day

My moment came when I drove my second daughter, Chloe, home from ballet.  Normally, this would be a minor deal.  We'd drive over a bridge, and over some hills, while we joked about life or talked about ballet or sat in silence.  But last night was different.  It was snowing.  Very, very hard.  So hard, in fact, that the back roads -- from the infamous "road to ballet" -- were not plowed.  At all.  And this is a hilly, back-country road that I take.

I couldn't see.

I could hear the nervousness in Chloe's voice when she told me she couldn't see the road.  I calmly told her that I saw it -- even though I didn't at all.  I had to stop. In the middle of the road and clean my wipers -- the snow was falling faster than even those little wipers could keep up with.  But, then right after I cleaned them,  I had to keep going.  I had NO choice. Deep down, I knew the road.  I knew it was there -- I'd driven it almost every day for 18 months.  I couldn't see it.  But, I had faith.

Isn't that like life?

We're on these roads and at times we can't see the road.  We ask the Lord, "where's the path?  Could you just show us the way?  Guide us?  Give us some direction?" And yet, we are as blind to the path as I was last night.  Yet, we keep moving.  Last night, it was simply faith that I knew the road.  But, in life, it's faith that our loving Father knows the road before us.  So we move. By faith.

the road uncovered

And sometimes, it's scary.  Or hard.  Or the path seems clouded.  Yet we keep moving, keep trusting, keep believing.  We might have to stop to clean our wiper blades -- refresh our view -- but truly, we keep moving knowing that we have a Father who loves us and care for us, and ultimately knows the road underneath all that snow.

"For we live by faith, not by sight"  2 Corinthians 5:7

************

On another note, I'm wanted to share with you that I'm  now a contributing writer for  5 Minutes For Faith.  I was honored to be asked to join their team, and have already been blessed working with them.  I'm sharing with you a link to an article I wrote titled -- Missing Pieces -- and no, it's not really about puzzle pieces, but more about pieces that we cling to and try to make sense of -- when we really should let them go. And, really it should only take you about 5 minutes to read it.  Get it?  5 minutes?  and 5 Minutes For Faith?  (okay. Now i'm just silly.  It's waaaay to early for me.)

I'd love for you to check it out -- and when you pop over there, would you leave me a comment?  (Click on my link the title Missing Pieces -- their link is broken)  I'd appreciate it -- as I'm the newbie. :)  But, don't leave without commenting here okay, okay, okay you DON'T have to.  I just like hearing from you so I thought I'd try the direct approach. Ha ha ha! -- I am, however,  SO blessed by your comments and notes of encouragement.  Thank you for taking your time and leaving them.

Blessings!

wellspring of life

Above all else, guard your heart -- for everything you do flows from it.  Proverbs 4:23

How often do we think about our heart?   How often do we guard our heart?  Or our childrens?

In Proverbs we are told by Solomon, the wisest man to live, to guard our hearts above ALL else.  There's something about the heart.  When you think of the body, it's the life -- it keeps life moving.  Beating.  When you think of our minds, our self, the heart is a critical part of us -- who God  made us to be.

And, yet, so often, we leave our hearts vulnerable to attack.  

Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness, and the anxieties of life...Luke 21:3a

This verse always shocks me.  I'm intrigued that the anxieties of life are part of the three things that weigh down our hearts.  And, yet, they do.  I've experienced it in my own life.  Even now.  My load felt heavy.  Paths in front of me seemed distorted, and in some instances -- impossible.  My heart, my mood, had become anxious.  Nervous.  Lacking faith.

My heart hurt.

Instead of filling my mind with truth -- I allowed it to run wild with worry. With fear.  With anger. Of not speaking the truth.  Not speaking up.  Dwelling on the now.  Sitting in overwhelm. 

That's not faith.  That's worry.  That's fear. That's doubt.

Faith is different. 

I want to live out of faith.  Even though situations in my life may seem impossible or overwhelming.  Living in faith cultivates joy -- not of myself.   Is it easy? No.  Often it's a struggle of releasing those tendencies to worry, anxieties, regrets, anger, and more to the Lord.  Somehow I try to cling to these -- and yet, the very act of gripping hurts me. And my heart.  So I pray to let these thoughts, these patterns, go.  And then I pray for God's peace to permeate the corners of my heart.  And with that, joy returns -- a joy that is not dependent on circumstances, but on faith. In the midst of a storm, or waiting, or the daily grind of life, there can be joy.

Authentic joy.   

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19

the milestone

It's been 5 years.  Five years ago, our family was led on a journey I never envisioned I would walk.  Or, perhaps, I didn't believe that I would be forced down this trail so young in my life.

It was five years ago that Todd told me he needed to go to the doctor.

When your husband wakes you at 2:30 in the morning and whispers those words to you -- you listen.  You wake up, even though there is a 6 week old baby sleeping next to you.  You don't care that you'll be exhausted. You listen.  And I did.  As I did I heard the fear in his voice.  The worry.  The unknown.

And I was afraid.

I remember walking numbly into our computer room at our old house -- it was then 4 am -- and searching on google for diagnosis.  Symptoms.  The more I looked the more fear crept into my heart.  So I tried to sleep, but there was no peace for my heart.

When I called the doctors in the morning everyone dismissed us.  But, I knew.  I knew Todd had cancer.  I knew it at 2:31 am on the night he told me.  I knew.  But, I still had to fight.  Doctors didn't believe he was sick.  We didn't fit the statistics.  Time kept passing and passing and passing.  Drugs and ultrasounds and more doctors.  Till finally, on December 19, 2005, at 9:48 in the morning, I was told that my husband had cancer.

I could have told them I knew that for almost 2 months.

But, I didn't.  I nodded and thanked the doctor.  He asked me if I needed a chaplain to come up to the 3rd floor surgical consult room.  I gazed out the window, at the light snow falling, and told him I was okay.  Even though I was afraid.

How could I walk this road?  I was 30 years old (there--now you all know my age).  I wasn't to journey this way till we were older.  Where would I ever find the strength to walk this path.  I wanted to scream that I felt that this was so unfair.  First we lost a job.  Then he gets cancer?  I was angry.  And numb.  And tired.

God knew.

He knew I would be beat.  He knew.  And as I walked the painful journey of sickness -- seeing my soulmate so weak that he needed help walking from the bed to the couch -- I was not alone.  My friends rallied around me.  Money came from unexpected places.  Meals were prepared.  My sister sat with me while Todd had ct scans the day before Christmas.  I felt loved.  Even in the darkest of times.

So as the five year anniversary comes closer and closer I am unsure how to feel and how to define our family.  Sometimes I wrestle with even talking about cancer -- and thinking of us as survivors -- because I deal with guilt -- because there are many other families whose outcomes were awful.  I never know when to talk about it, or write about it, or think about it.

But, truthfully, cancer is part of my story.

For the next six weeks or so, you might hear a bit about that story. You see, it is because of cancer, and walking a road of utter dependence upon God, that I am who I am today.  That path shifted my thinking -- about life, about God, and about truth.  It became less about me, and more about Him.  Those are the things I think I'll share.  Finally.  I've kept so much inside, and prayed about it, and now I think it's time to write.

That's me.  Rachel, wife of a cancer survivor.

I am so so grateful for five years.

that's us -- one year after the diagnosis
December 2006

look (at my) age (and give) thanks

Look

Can you believe this design?  I've longed for a fresher look -- one with photos of those I hold dear.  With seven children and one amazing husband I knew it would be a bit of a task to make it look cohesive.  Well, a challenge for me, but not for my html loving blog-designing daughter, Hannah.  She whipped up this new look for finding joy this afternoon.  In about an hour.  Love her. She, however, laughed heartily when I asked her how long it would take for a nav-bar.  I asked her at 11:57 pm.   At least I knew what a nav-bar was, right?
(Interested in her blog? Check out - Aspire)

Age

No, I am not going to be revealing my age today.  (I might for a coffee gift card)  Anyways, I've begun to realize that I am aging.  Getting old(er).  The irony is that I feel really, really, really young sometimes.  It doesn't seem possible for me to be aging -- I'm okay with it -- but the reality that I'm not a young spring chick anymore is becoming more obvious.

Like when I shake my head at the preteens/teens milling around the gas station.  Seriously?  The Super America is the only place to hang out on a Friday night?  I also felt older when I passed my reflection in the mirrors scattered throughout Target.  And, honestly, it might be because I'm passing mirrors in the grown-up section of clothes.  Not juniors.  That's where you'll find my oldest daughters -- Hannah and Chloe. I will still only buy cute clothes.  Approved by those older daughters. :)

I'm okay with aging.  Really.

I need to go find that verse in the Bible about gray hair being a crown of splendor.  I don't have any --- yet.  But, I can guarantee you that there'll be a blog post on that day.

Thanks

Today I was featured on 5 Minutes for Faith.  It's quite the honor, and I'm grateful.  I'd love for you to check it out -- they republished an article I wrote here on finding joy earlier this summer.  It's one of my faves -- giving thanks, changing perspective, and priorities.  Who would have imagined that I would ever write about that?  Seriously -- I am grateful for blogging, for the friendships that I've made, and the encouragement you've provided.  Thank you!


Hoping that your Saturday is blessed.

history

Life verses.

Every year I pray for a verse to define the year.  Then I handwrite the verse out on paper and place it on our door to the garage.  I look at it several times a week.  And I pray the words.

Today's Miscellany?  About my very first life verse.  And why it became to be.

1) 2 Samuel 22:2-4 -- The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge, my savior; you save me from violence.  I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praise, and I am saved from my enemies.

2) Why?  First, you need to know that I have this small pocket Bible that I carry in my purse.  It's blue leather with a Celtic Cross on the cover.  And an etched in letter B -- thanks to Brennan when he was learning his letters.

my Bible

(sorry it's blurry -- I took the pic at night in bad lighting)

3) At first I was annoyed that Brennan wrote on my Bible.  But, now, as time passes, that little B with the two b humps not joined and the line way to long is precious to me.  And, honestly, it gives me perspective.  Sometimes the hard things turn to good.  It just takes time.

4) I underline and date verses that jump out to me.  I love looking back at dates in my Bible and remembering.  I love it even more when I open up my Bible to underline a verse and I've found it underlined.  Twice.

that's my Bible

and, yes, that's Philippians.

5) Almost all of Philippians 3 and 4 is underlined.  It is now getting difficult to read.  That's okay -- because I almost have it memorized.

6) Speaking of memorizing verses, did you know that in the time of Jesus that young children began to memorize the first five books of the Bible when they were five?  And, to think, that it takes a long time for me to memorize two chapters.  Priorities.

7) That verse in Samuel?  That's a life verse.  It's extremely meaningful to me.  It's date 12/19/05.  And written next to it, in shakey hand-writing are the words:

8) Todd's surgery

9) Almost five years ago.  You see, when Todd had his surgery for cancer I was at the hospital all alone.  I still cannot figure why I was alone -- actually I had with me then baby Caleb -- but I was alone.  There's this time when you leave your loved one as they go back to surgery until the time where the surgeon calls you back to discuss the operation.  This was written in during the first time.  I hadn't talked to the surgeon.  I didn't know the beast was cancer (although all the tumor-marker tests, ultrasounds, and lab tests were quite indicative of it being so).  All I know was that I was alone.  And scared.  So I prayed.  I prayed as I rode the clunky elevator down to the surgery waiting area.  I prayed as I clutched the round light-up beeper telling me that the surgeon wanted to speak to me.  I prayed.  And I asked the Lord for a verse.  I knew it seemed foolish -- open the Bible to a verse -- yet still I prayed.  And then my hand gripped that blue leather Bible (without the B at that point) and I simply opened it.  To 2 Samuel 22: 2-4

10) And I felt hope.  In the midst of a crowded waiting room.  While my husband was in surgery.  While snowflakes fell, and Caleb nursed.  I felt hope.  Not from me.  Oh, no, not at all.  From my Father, our healer.

that was my little Caleb
my faithful and brave boy

11) And that is why 2 Samuel 22:2-4 is a life verse.  Someday I will go into why each word speaks to my heart.  But, for today, I share the beauty behind the verse.  About the Lord meeting me in a hospital waiting room.

12) Now you also know why I have a Samuel.

13) He hears. He truly hears.  Why?  Because --  "Hear I am Lord,"  --was my exact prayer on that snowy, Monday morning in December.

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge, my savior; you save me from violence.  I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praise, and I am saved from my enemies.

2 Samuel 22:3-4

my Samuel

God's blessings on your Monday.  Remember to link up to Carissa's very lovely Miscellany Mondays.