six {simple} ways to teach children intentional living

Last year I wrote a Ten Day Series on Intentional Parenting {link} and in that series I shared some practical ways to be more intentional in our parenting journey. Today I'm sharing six simple ways to teach the idea of living with an intentional heart for kids. It's easy to get distracted in this saturated world of noise and to move through life lulled asleep putting off things to do today until tomorrow. Intentional living, to me, simply means having an awareness that the time we are given is truly a gift - it's a letting go of the mistakes while learning from them, pulling up our bootstraps and trying, and celebrating the small moments nestled in the fabric of a normal life.

Here are just six {simple} ways to teach intentional living to kids. These are more mindset types of goals versus the goals of listening, helping others, and scheduling one's day. These mindset, life goals, help those other goals found in intentional living happen. Here they are:

They need time alone.
In freedom, there is often learning, and especially creativity. Watch little ones when they are able to just play, to explore, and to invent - often they don't follow the rules, the instructions, but instead are able to simply create, to understand life, and to develop independence. It's quite easy to overstructure our children - providing them with things to do every minute - but we can bless them with the gift of simply being, of playing, in the midst of their days by creating space that is unstructured within their days. They need those moments - those imaginative moments in childhood - as those times teach them to be out of the box thinkers as adults. We need more of those in this culture - people who are willing to dream big, to create, to imagine and then implement and follow through on those big dreams.



Goals, rules, and expectations.
Coupled with space within the day to create there also needs to be a framework of goals and expectations. I like to say that often I've given my kids space - like a "fenced in area" that they are free to explore in - but if you break the ultimate rule {the boundary} then there is a consequence that has to be dealt with. Lack of rules leads to a lack of respect for others and authority. Children need boundaries. Work with your children to figure out goals and then work with them to achieve goals. Sometimes in the process of working after goals we find that they need to be revised, changed, or even let go. That's okay. It's the target and the constant effort to move towards a goal that matters - it's that journey to the destinations that matters most.

Not every moment is a moment to be savored.
Several months ago I wrote about the myth of the perfect day {link} and why that simply isn't a reality. Here's the deal, when one lives life with an intentional heart sometimes people think that every moment must not be wasted. Certainly it means looking at life with eyes that are aware and awake, but it also does not mean that every single moment things have to be done, used, finished, celebrated, etc... that would not only be exhausting, but would also be incredibly discouraging as life is often far from perfect. There is a good deal of worth in resting and chilling out. That needs to happen and we can bless our children with the knowledge of cultivating this space within their days. Sometimes those tough moments in life are the greatest teachers for our kids. We want to protect them, but they also need to learn how to deal with times that aren't perfect.

Thoughts matter.
Your thoughts matter, your children's thoughts matter - thoughts matter. Do you pay attention to the constant dialogue of thoughts that run through your mind? If not - you must. In Dear Mom Who Thinks that She is a Terrible Mom Sometimes {link} I share how you absolutely must pay attention to the thoughts that run through your mind. Teach this to your children as well. You see, you are not your emotion. Your emotions - frustration, joy, anxiety, etc - they all teach us things. But, they don't define us. Reframe your words from I'm frustrated to I'm feeling frustrated. There is great power in stepping back and restructuring the thoughts that run through your head. For kids it is important to recognize that the emotions that they feel - those worries, not measuring up, anxiety, etc... are not definers of who they are at the core. The emotion can lead us to a solution. For instance, overwhelm is an alert that something isn't working, there is too much on the plate, etc... when overwhelm hits it's a sign to step back and re-evaluate. Mindset, to me, is a great part of living intentional. Mindset matters.

Embrace the Gift of Today.
Don't put off the things that you can do today for tomorrow. Teach this to your children.  Sometimes normal can simply be lost, as we've seen again this week withe devastation in Oklahoma, and with that we realize again the absolute gift of normal. Start to live today with an attitude of gratitude for today and work with your children to adopt this as well. It can be simple things - going around the table at night and listing things that you were thankful for - those things begin to force one to look, to seek, to find joy in the normal. Your children watch you, observe you, and learn from you. Teach them to embrace today. But, of course, remember - the not every moment will matter point - it's not about trying to love every moment. It's about seeking moments in the midst of life that you are thankful for.



Live boldly.
I want my children to be changers in this world. To me, a changer is someone who is willing to speak their mind, is strong in their convictions, and is willing to give of themselves for others at times. Teach them to hold the door, look at others when they speak, express gratitude, and fight for what is important. There is power in raising a generation of people who are willing to live boldly. Living boldly doesn't mean being arrogant, but honestly, to me, means seeing others in this world beyond oneself and living for the dreams that one is gifted with- to go after your dreams, use your talents, care for others. You as a parent have the awesome gift to be the one to hear them express those dreams, those goals, and expectations. Listen to them, support them, and encourage them - and you'll often find that their energy and zeal for life inspires your own outlook. Teach your kids, and remind yourself, to believe in those dreams and live a life of boldness

Six simple things that embrace the intentional mindset. It's not about pursuing a life of perfection, but rather is about living a life grateful for today, with hope for the future, recognizing that there are so many moments where life is about pulling up the bootstraps and trying again, and yet underneath it all being willing to live with a deep posture of gratitude for joy and good nestled within the normal.

*********

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the importance of trying

Over the weekend I wrote a post titled 51 Things You Can Do to Bless Your Kids. It was a simple list, really, one that I wrote from my heart - it's those things that we all kind of know but don't articulate or remember to do. One of the items that I dear to me is the idea of letting kids try. We need to embrace, to give opportunities for not only our children, but for ourselves to just try.

Trying is not failing.

You've heard me write those words. Over and over and over again. When we try, we are pushing ourselves to dream, to be better, to look beyond the present, and ultimately to embrace the moment that we are blessed to live in.

I often sit in our living room and remind my kids about Thomas Edison and how many times it took him to invent the light bulb. They'll look at me, and I'll tell them that it took him more than 1000 times to actually figure out how to get the lightbulb to work. Then, I'll look them in the eyes, and I will ask them why it's important that he kept trying all those times. The first couple of  times, they tell me because otherwise we wouldn't have a lightbulb.

No.

Otherwise someone else would have invented the lightbulb.

When we stop trying, we in fact, actually allow opportunity to pass us by.

Our kids need to be taught to keep trying, to keep pushing, to keep believing in dreams that often don't even seem possible. Of course we can chat about options, strategies, realities, and ways to implement. We can embrace their dream and help them figure out ways to make it become a reality.  Just don't stop and squash the dream or the need to try when it's new and fresh.

Let them invent. Create. Make a mess. Fail. Succeed. Keep trying.

And that goes to you as well. Today, pick yourself up, look at your day and try. Look at the to-do list, your goals, your dreams, and put yourself out there. Be bold.

We need more bold in this world.

Imagine if Edison had decided to quit the time before he succeeded. 

Keep going. Keep trying. Live boldly.

And teach that to your kids.

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7 Ways to Have Individual Time with Your Kids

I loved the response to my question on Saturday's Top 5 October wrap up post regarding post topics. To all of you - thank you. It's such a blessing for me to get a glimpse of your heart so that on the early mornings when I'm sitting in a Starbucks sipping my latte I can write more specifically to each of you. Thank you.

One of the emails and comments that I repeatedly receive is regarding ways to cultivate individual time with your children. First, this is a hard thing to do simply because we have those crazy to-do lists that take up the majority of our time especially if we're not intentional about slowing down and taming them. That's the first thing - be intentional. But, beyond that, I'm listing seven strategies to help you cultivate individual times with your kids. They need it. You need it. It gives you, the parent, a sweet glimpse into their hearts.

1. Schedule it. I know, seems obvious, right? But, it's a fact. If I don't schedule time with my children individually then often those times, those moments simply will not happen. So pull out your month to-do list, or your calender, and try to add some times in their with each of your children. Does it have to be big things? Absolutely not - often it is simple little things that matter the most.

2. Be spontaneous. Include them. Even though we've got stuff scheduled often the best one on one time that I have with my children is a result of me being spontaneous and just doing it. Last fall, early in the morning, I woke my photographer daughter up and we piled into the freezing car and drove around the Minnesota countryside so that she could snap pictures of the sun rising over the frozen October fields. That morning? Ranks as one of my most favorite times I've had with my daughter. It's because I just acted, just did, embraced that moment.

3. Include them in Your Daily Activities. This goes back to the idea of becoming the "yes" mom again. I cannot tell you how many times they ask to help me - with making cookies {of course}, my chores, etc,....and I, the busy mom, tell them not right now. Now is the time moms. It really is. Look at what you do through the day and try to find a way to have each of them help with you one project. Not only are you getting one on one time, but you are also training and teaching them.

4. Take them With You. Yes, I'm talking about when you go to the store, or run that errand, or are running to get coffee. Not all the time - as I really do believe that moms need a break {and truthfully, often for me, going to the store is my break} - but some of the times. Simply step back and take one of them with you. In my family, whoever gets to go to Costco with me makes for a best day. {I seriously think it might just be the samples...} So, moms, look at your schedule and see if you can find times where you can take one with you and then make it special. Let them pick something out, take them to Starbucks, talk with them. Those moments matter.

5. Have them Plan It. One of the newer ideas that I have, especially for my older ones, is to have them plan a date with me. Give them a dollar amount {or none - it could just be going to the park or swinging in the yard} to spend and a time limit. Then let them plan. And when you go on your date - put your social media brain away. Instagram a couple pics, but after that, this is your time with your child. Cultivate and invest in that relationship.

6. Quality is better than Quantity. Yep. Still true. Even today. It's better to spend a good solid intentional hour with your child versus an entire day where you're distracted and feeling frantic about not getting your to-do list finished. Make the time that you do spend together as intentional as possible. Listen to them, laugh with them, go to see the movie they want to see {and learn, like me, to love their movies as well - like Avengers - grin}, let them wander the toy aisle as Target without a time limit. Just do it. Spend the time.

7. Slow Down and Give Grace. This is for you. Because, seriously, not every single intentional moments will be amazing. It simply won't - that's real life. What truly matters is that you are aware and awake and are trying to figure out these moments. One last thing, write a list, keep a tally, a journal, anything to help with the it's my turn or it's not fair moments that will probably result when you take only one with you. I've done that - and it helps to pull the record and let everyone know that it's as fair as possible. So slow down, manage the to-do list, and give yourself grace when the moments don't work out exactly as you've imagined. And sometimes? Sometimes those silly moments captured are the most beautiful and remembered.

These are just seven of my suggestions for cultivating individual time with your kids. Be blessed!
What are some ways that you like to carve out this time in your schedule?

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seven years of wisdom

lessons from my Caleb who turned seven at 6:58 am today.

always wake up cheerful
you will never estimate how much cereal you need in the morning - you'll always have too much
utilize the phrase this is the best day ever everyday
find joy in things like cotton candy, swing rides, playing games, and tomatoes
check the garden every single day and pick things that are ripe immediately
never grow tired of giving your mom hugs
embrace climbing trees

teach your siblings to pick flowers for mom
don't give up
love your family
learn how to open the fridge very quietly
know what your name means - his means "brave" - and learn from that
be proud of your freckles
ponder things of life

walking down the stairs is such a thing of the past - always run - and then do it again
clothes don't need to match
shorts can be worn in the winter
be friendly
help people out just because you care about them
like a clean room, but don't complain too much when it's not
be creative and ask for a picture to document what you make

always tell your mom when you really like dinner
be proud of your nicknames
have an awesome laugh
it's okay to be just a bit silly
ask to go to the store with mom when she leaves
where a baseball cap whenever you can
enjoy spending time with your family

say things like great job and that's cool and more
work hard at what ever you do
answer what loudly and boldly when you're needed
think of others and share
and never ever ever get tired of saying love you mom.

Happy 7th Birthday to my very wise son, Caleb Daniel
You are cool fabulous awesome amazing funny smart creative and oh so loved.

And weren't you just born? It feels like yesterday.

words our kids need to hear. {the series}

I am proud of you.

I uttered those words to my Eli, my sweet and precocious and busy and challenging and fiesty, Elijah, after a  busy and extremely tiring day with him - the rule tester. It was just the two of us, sitting outside in 96 degrees on the deck, waiting while I watched the citrus lime marinated chicken pieces turning black much too quickly on the grill.

He was exhausted.

He had a hard day - limits were pushed and boundaries enforced and he was just a bit mad. I scooped up that almost five year old of mine and held his hand and sat with him on the faded green deck chair. I just held him, and didn't care too much about the smoke from the grill, but instead cared so much about the hand belonging to the little boy that was resting in my hand.

Elijah, I am proud of you. I am proud of all the good choices that you made and how you helped me out today.I know you had a hard day, but that doesn't change the fact that I am proud to be your mom.

I whispered those words to the blond little boy curled in my lap, the little boy who was probably expecting to hear that he needed to go to bed or that he needed to make better choices.

I know he heard them. His head snuggled further, his sweaty hand still gripped mine, and his sobs of frustration from losing a toy due to poor choices gradually settled down. Then, there, in that oppressive heat he let out a sigh and fell asleep - knowing that I, his somewhat weary mom, was still very much proud of him despite the bumps in the road.

I am proud to be your mom.

Do you tell your children that you are proud of them? It's so easy to forget, to lose sight of the gift of motherhood that we've been blessed with. To those littles and middles and bigs we are their mom. There is no one in this world that can ever replace or take our role. Yet, the frenetic schedule and challenges of being a mom can suck joy and perspective right out of our motherhood day.

Yesterday? That was my day. Elijah pushed the boundaries from the moment his feet hit his carpet in the morning until that minute when he fell asleep in my arms. I could have told him how frustrated I was - again - but, instead, I realized he knew that he needed to change some of those four year old choices but that what he really needed to hear was that I still loved him. And that I was proud of him and proud to be his mom.

Those words matter.

In a world where criticism and negativity and never measuring up abounds we absolutely must balance our parenting -  the needed expectations, rules, boundaries and needed no answers with the I love you, and I am proud of you, and you are amazing answers. It's so easy to slip into seeing everything that needs to be changed, and where they're messing up, or forgetting to do what they need to do, and focus on what isn't working.

Let's take time to speak words of encouragement, building up, and strengthening our bond with our kids as well. Find them. Tell them you are proud of them and that you are proud to be their mom. We are blessed as mothers to be their cheerleaders - the ones who tell them even after those hard days how much we believe in them and that we see the good and potential.

Again, those I am proud of you words matter.

They matter, they matter, they matter.

Chances are, when those little ones become adults, the fact that you told them that you are proud of them and that you are proud to be their mom will matter a great deal more than the fact that they didn't put their shoes away or that they didn't have a great day. The impact of hearing about how you love them and are proud of them and how your love isn't dependent upon circumstances are words kids need to hear.

Take time.

Even in the midst of those hard, crazy, exhausting, and challenging days to speak truth.

I am proud of you. I am proud to be your mom.

Those are words our kids need to hear.

*****

Words our Kids Need to Hear will be a series over the next several Tuesdays. We, as parents, have a great role and responsibility to speak truth, encouragement, direction, and favorably to our children. My hope is that this series offers an opportunity for us to examine our words and to remember the power of our words. To receive updates via email {make sure to verify} simply click subscribe to finding joy.

let me see the straws

It's the little things in life.

Like straws. Elijah, my sweet and busy Elijah, came to me running and jumping and full of joy due to the straws that I had purchased at the store for root beer floats. It's the best day ever he shouted. All because I spent an entire $1.39 and purchased those neon straws. You got the special ones, not the striped ones he exclaimed. Every single day since he pulls out a straw for his drinks - water, milk, and sometimes, if he's lucky, some iced tea. Those one cent a piece straws bring him joy.

When did I lose the joy in straws? I let the little things bother me. Like the rips in my couch downstairs {okay, maybe not a little thing, but in perspective of real troubles, a little thing}. I go down there and I'm stressed. Irritated. Letting that old couch define me. I'm embarrassed. Then I quickly try to cover it up knowing full well that a little one will rip off the cover in play seconds later. How come I can't see the straw joys in life?

Reminders. And that same excited little Elijah is also the same one who has rules in our home like you may jump from the second step down to the ground and no racing at full speed in the kitchen and please don't go to the top of your bed {it's a car shape} and jump to the floor. He's precocious, challenging, feisty and determined. I love it about him. Yesterday, when I picked him up from church his teacher, my friend, tells me how sweet Elijah is. Those words bless me - I don't know what I'm going to hear when I pick him up - and yet, today she took time to tell me how sweet he was to her. How he sat and listened and was grateful to be there. She was seeing the beauty in the straws with him - too often I'm looking at the other.

I want to see the straws not the rips. It's so easy to get caught up seeing all the wrong things. Well, let me tell you, if you saw the couch you'd see why I'd get stressed, but uh {and this is hard to admit}, it's really not about that couch. It's not about me looking a certain way, but it's rather about me seeing a certain way. Being grateful for that couch, for my home, and seeing the straw moments in life. Would I be absolutely thrilled and grateful for a new couch - yes. But, I can't let that sour my mood and let me miss out on the good. It's the same with mothering - how much do I miss simply because I'm looking at the rips and not the straws?

Hard to do. The older I get the easier it is to let the worries, frustrations, and things to do overwhelm me. There's simply too much, honestly. And then there's the medical stuff, relationships, finances, all smooshed in together creating a load to heavy for myself. It's easier to sit in the other stuff and lose the beauty found in the little things. In the straws.

Finding joy. It's like looking for the straw moments in life. They're tucked in their, nestled among the busy, waiting to be found. Honestly, I think it's about putting on those four year old glasses to view the world - those glasses that let you see the little things and then being open enough to letting those little things bring joy. Without joy there's bitterness. You know how everything has an opposite? Well, I'm starting to believe that the opposite of joy is bitterness. And I don't want that. I don't want to lose today because I'm bitter about the past, or where things are now - so I'm seeking, with a heart awake, joy - straw seeking joy.

Elijah, the Straw Seeker. He sees the straws. He doesn't see the rip in the couch - but if I bring it up he'll learn to get stressed about that {remember Day 7 Influence of Intentional Parenting?} He gets that joy doesn't have a price, parameters, and doesn't need things to look perfect. Joy is the posture of the heart. So, today, I'm going to be watching him. Learning. Grateful to be his mom. Intentional. And thankful for a little box of $1.39 neon straws.

Look for the straws today. Seek joy.

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let's go fly a kite

It was windy. Well, at least in strong wind gusts that can only be found in March, when the grass is an awful shade of brown, and the spring winds are blowing out the remnants of winter. The wind came and went. With each gust, Brennan and I would work, would work together, to launch his kite.

We tried. For almost an hour, on the unseasonably warm, but typically windy, day in mid-March to launch that kite. We'd get it up, and it would wobble and I'd try to steer it from trees, but then it would fall. We'd pick it up, and we'd cheer each other on, and we'd try again.

And again. We'd brush that brown grass, leftover from last year, off and throw that kite in the air each time hoping for that gust of wind that would send it soaring. Time and time again he'd throw the kite in the air. And time and time again, I'd stand there, untangling the string {which was way too short} or winding the string or running with him. We were a team.

I looked at Brennan. At his eagerness, and excitement, and joy as we worked to launch that kite.  And I thought, I pondered how kite flying is so much like motherhood. We work and work and work with our children, preparing them, teaching them, training them to fly. And in those years, they stumble, they fall, they need us behind the scenes helping them out, they need us in the background setting things, preparing things for them. Working together. Believing in them. Being active in their lives.

We share their joys, their wonder, their excitement about the world. Their spirit, the unjaded spirit of childhood, is a balm for our adult hearts.

As we teach them they teach us.

Then one day, one day that happens all too fast, they are grown. They can fly. And we walked the journey with them. A day, a step, a learn to walk, a scraped knee, a math test, a driver's license, a learn to read, a fall down, a win the race, and a learn to fly, a day at a time. We've helped them soar.

Let's go fly a kite....and send it soaring...
That's exactly what we do.

***
now, go fly a kite with them....on a windy day...
you may also want to read slowing down to breathe

the love challenge. {includes a free download}

Love.

It's all around today. Love, love, love. We stop, take a breath, and look at those around us, those who we love, and intentionally let them know that we love and value them. The routine is broken, the normal adjusted, as we pass out sweet treats and little notes scrawled on pink and red glitter paper, and bless those we love with little bits of our heart. And chocolate. Yes, plenty of chocolate.

I look at my children and remember that they need moments and reminders of how loved they are throughout their days. Not just on one day in the middle of February. But, throughout the weeks.

Love is for everyday.

The challenge? Let's choose to record {and to see} the little things that we love about those who we are blessed to share our lives with. I love that you did the dishes right away. I love when you read to your siblings. I love when you ask me how I'm doing. I love the stack of toys that you invented and created. I love when you pick your clothes out. I love how you laugh. I love you. I love you for being you. Think of the gift in celebrating the good. Often, I'll gather one in my arms and whisper to them - I love being your mom. Not just a mom, but their mom.

So, join with me in a love challenge. I've included a simple download for you to print out -- it's an I love you reminder card for your loved ones. Look for the good and bless your loved ones with a beautiful list emphasizing those sweet moments that you love - notes of joy, and goodness, and love - the real important things.

Click here for the link -Stuff I Love - it will pull you to a google doc page, save the document, and then print. Once printed you can simply cut the page in half and you're good to go.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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Images and original content are sole property of Rachel Martin and may not be used, copied or transmitted without prior written consent.

the mom cry. it's about balance.

It starts in the morning, right after the morning light seeps over the frozen country horizon. For a brief moment it's quiet here in the house. Strangely quiet. I sit on the couch watching the earth wake up while savoring the last moment of complete and utter silence.

Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.

It starts. The endless breath of mom's leaving my children's mouths. Breakfast needs, clothing helps, whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher questions, where's my sock, it's not fairs, I don't get this math problem, and on and on and on and on.

Before long I can't even sit down. I move around, like a clock, from child to child answering the unending barrage of questions. The cry for me keeps coming. Loud, irritated, questioning, needing help, a story and more. I find myself beginning to crave that strange silence found in the morning. It's only 10:18 and I've answered to my name more times than I could count. Throughout the morning, and through lunch, the mom cry remains.

Mom.

I try to just ignore this one little mom.

Mom.
Mom.

Mom.

This time it's Caleb.

What now, Caleb?

It comes out crosser than I like. Sharp, irritated. After all, I had just helped him find a Star Wars shirt, and make a pbj for snack, and read a story. What could it be now?

Turning from the sink where I was finishing our second load of dishes I glance to the island with a sigh. Then I see his face. Beaming. And behind him? This amazing, large, intricate structure that he had made with some Cuisenaire Rods that I pulled from the garage in the morning. There it was towering, barely balanced, reaching high above the island.

So many rods, resting on each other, balancing each other out.

Oh, Caleb, it's magnificent.

My heart, my prideful heart is humbled. I had simply let my own needs, my own agenda, out-balance the real needs of my home. I threw my piece right on the day's structure and almost sent the day crashing down to the ground in a mess of beautiful moments potentially lost.

Caleb, I'm really proud of you. I can see how hard you worked on that tower.

Little sentences, adding support. Reinforcing the good.

Balance, balance, balance.

Why, oh why, do I let the irritations of the day determine my mood? What if I switched my perspective? After all, the dishes have to be done no matter what. They're blessings instead of a chore. Or those endless questions about how to spell words? Grateful for the opportunity to teach my children. Laundry? We are clothed. Books to read the millionth time? Thankful for little ones to sit in my lap. Spills to wipe up? They create a clean floor. Markers all over the table? Creativity. Bedrooms to clean? Thankful for the blessings. Those mom cries? Oh my. Gifts. Simple, beautiful lovely priceless gifts.

Balance.

Mom.
Mom.
Mom.

They're all sleeping. It's quiet again. I sit here resting, reflecting on the day. There are still remnants of learning scattered about -- a book, letter tiles on the door, pictures pasted on the fridge.

I love those little voices who cry mom.

All day long.