sitting in the waves

It's so humid here that the screen of my netbook is fogging up while I'm trying to write.

I've never experienced a vacation that has challenged me more than this trip to South Carolina. On the first night, as I sat in the water and felt the power of the waves as the washed over me I sat there in awe of the Lord. I realized how many things in my life that I cling to -- I want control of -- and that I don't want to let go of - that really needed to be left at His feet.

As the waves cycled I could feel my heart, and all those places of anger and fear and worry and stress, begin to let go. It was impossible to not be and not begin to feel free.

Then Samuel got sick.

My worst fear, really. Before we left I prayed and prayed and prayed for my children. I remember remarking  that I couldn't handle it if Samuel got sick. And then he did. And I grew. I grew in my trust of my husband, and in allowing someone else, someone who I love deeply, take care of him. If I had been home I would have totally taken charge and done the doctor and been up at night. But I wasn't. Todd was there. And there were benefits to me letting go. Samuel knows daddy will be there for him. Todd feels more confident in tending to Samuel and his complex medical needs. I don't have to cling so tightly due to fear. I'm grateful for dear friends (that amazing Maria again) who drop everything to help Todd. For doctors who call me in South Carolina to tell me about Samuel and ask questions. Blessed.

And I learned to have trust. And faith.

It's strange to me how these days at the ocean have opened my eyes to the real important. My family. Relationships. Not stuff. Not things. Not schedules. Trust. So as I sit here on the balcony with my fogged up computer screen and the beating sun and the sound of the ocean in the background and the waves pressing inward I am grateful. Very grateful.

the sacred in normal

Our family lost normal.

For a month everything was turned upside down. 

Sickness and worry clouded our days.

  I knew that the sacred, the beauty in normal needed to return.

Simple joy.

Candles lit lining our table.

The red catching in the morning sun.

Marking this space as wanted. Needed.

Nothing else changed. 

No new books or schedules or plans.

Just candles. Flickering light.

Celebrating life.

Learning.

The crayons were still there. 

 A waffle here, my coffee there. 

 The table was full.

My mindset had changed.

The table wasn't cluttered anymore.

It was beautiful.

I had forgotten normal.

When Samuel was so sick I wanted to be able to sit at the table and learn with my children.

Yesterday, finally, I did.

And

It was glorious.

In the holy hush of the early dawn

I hear a Voice

"I am with you all the day,

Rejoice! Rejoice!"

(George MacDonald)

where am i walking? and learning? and waiting?

Caleb
1} I've been asked to speak at 3 different events.  The intriguing part was I was asked within 2 different days all events unrelated. I am very very very humbled.  It's not about me.  It's about God -- my love for Him -- and the calling I think He's placed on my heart.

2} I love to share my story.  In fact, I have a heart for women -- for freedom from the labels and chains that society places on us.  And labels that we put on ourselves. So often our day is clouded by our past.  We don't move freely forward, we're looking down and worrying and fretful and often with a sense of overwhelm and hopelessness. Our footing is based on the world's timeline.We remember where we failed, or didn't measure up, or the mistakes made, and so on.  All that is baggage that we're dragging around with us.  Truth is?  We don't have to. Every single day, we can drop that baggage at the feet of Jesus. Learn from it if we need to.  Carry it with us? No. 

3} It's interesting how the Lord works.  For years I've felt called to speak, to share my heart openly, and yet have felt the Lord say I was to wait, and that it was on his time.  And I waited.  I spoke a couple times here and there, but I rested in waiting.

4}Reminds me of this song I love by Vineyard -- where are my eyes? Are they looking up?

  If you say go I will go,

 If you say wait I will wait,

 I you say step out on the water

 and they say it can't be done 

We'll fix our eyes on you and we will come.

5} Parenting requires work. And focus.  And laughter.  Well, thankfully, our children provide us with those moments of laughter, don't they?  Just yesterday my Elijah was so cute.  Here's our conversation after church:

Me - Elijah what did you learn in Sunday School?

Elijah - (big inhale) About God.

Me - Oh, that's great! Tell me more about what you learned about God.

Elijah - (even bigger inhale)  About the Bible

Me - Great! And what about the Bible did you learn?

Elijah - (even bigger inhale than before) Um....About God?

that's my Elijah

6} He's got the basics down.  I've got to give him credit there.  I think we could have gone back and forth on that one for a bit.  But, here's the deal. Elijah is three.  I believe it is critical to talk with him about church, and God, and what he learned right now.  Not wait till he's older.  But now.  Even though it went in a loop.  I want him to know that I value him and his relationship with the Lord.

7} And, by the way, Elijah learned about the Magi.  I am THANKFUL for the sheets sent home with my little ones.  If you teach little kids -- send home info sheets. Or a coloring page.  Or, if you don't, talk with the parents.  :)

8} My friend, Lynnette - from Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground, wrote an interesting article on parenting priorities that was influenced by an article in the Wall Street Journal titled "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior."  Lynnette does a beautiful job unpacking the article -- worth reading -- and articulating her goal as a mother.  Click HERE to read and be blessed by her words of wisdom.

9} Finally, for all of you who are curious how my early rising is going -- today I woke at 5:49 am.  Samuel woke up, and I put him back to bed, and stayed awake.  Victory!  For all of you who are joining me in trying to rise earlier, how are you doing?  Any tricks for me? Besides the cup of freshly brewed Caribou Coffee that is half gone sitting in front of me?

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Link up with Carissa and her fabulous Miscellany Monday Meme.  And read a post Carissa wrote about parenting as well.  Just scroll back to her post previous to this week's Miscellany.  It's another excellent perspective.  Oh, yeah, and she's a doing a give-away for a $50 gift card to Lisa Leonard's jewelery.  Just thought I'd throw that out there....;)

Even though I'm hoping to win.

letting go of fear

I have a confession.

I tend to worry.

(if you were my mother and were reading this you would be nodding your head in agreement)

Especially about medical stuff.

We've had our share.  Cancer.  Hematology issues. Even me and my silly shoulder.

Now with Samuel dealing with his bowel problems I've found myself tiptoeing -- make that running -- to worrying.  Google Searching.  Wondering.  Fearing.

Not praying.  Surrendering.  Living.

While researching options or possibilities isn't intrinsically wrong, spending hours of time allowing fear to take over just might be crossing the line into the territory of worry.

Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:27

And yet, here I was last night, tiptoeing in Samuel's room and checking him sleeping.  I made that trip three times - in twenty minutes.  One time I woke him up just so that I could hold him.  I'd like to state it's because I love to look at that angelic face -- which is true -- but, I've also recognized that I'm fretting over him.

Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. Matthew 19:13

Worrying will get me nowhere.  Well, it will make the terrible knot in my shoulder worse, but will not succeed in answering the root cause of Samuel's problems.  I simply need to surrender my fear.  Let go of the baggage.  The answers will come, and when they do we will move forward.

It's all too easy, at least for me, to switch from spending times on my knees in prayer to sitting in front of the computer screen.  I admit it.  I want to figure stuff out on my own.  I'm stubborn in that way.  But, I know, really really really know that the Lord is calling me to remember.  To remember that He knit Samuel.  That He knows Samuel more intimately than I do.  That He knows the answers.

That I'm to rest in Him.

And that's exactly what I plan on doing.

Right now.

Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  Matthew 11:28

shoulder pain? no thank you

It's hard to type this morning.

When I was younger I hurt my shoulder -- and had two surgeries to correct it -- yet, now as I'm getting older my shoulder and neck area will periodically get inflamed. I've had stints where I've had to undergo physical therapy for months, and then more months where it doesn't bother me.  Over the past week I've felt pain creeping back into my shoulder and neck. And now?  I can't lift Samuel.  I can hardly move.  In fact, in the middle of the night it wakes me up.

It's hard to do life with pain.
Even though I know that it's temporary.

When I focus on the pain, or that my fingers are partially numb, then it is so easy to get discouraged.  So I try not to.  But, I know that today will take more strength then I have.  I know that it will be much easier for me to be short, or snippy, or down.

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

As I verified the Scripture this morning I was directed to another verse.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest in me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Today I need that grace. I praise Him in all things.

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service.  (1 Timothy 1:12)

So today I walk forward resting in him.