why motherhood is not a competition

Do you feel it?

This crazy measuring up pressure on mothers? On you? Right now in the midst of motherhood? In the midst of a life of mothering and caring for children? This unwritten rule of what perfect motherhood should look like? Be like?

And does it make you tired like it makes me?

When I  am blessed to speak face to face with moms (like I was blessed to do in Florida where I spoke this weekend) almost every time during our conversation we end up talking about the ridiculous pressure, this unwritten competition, that could/can/may/does exist between mothers. Eyes would well with tears as we'd talk about motherhood and this feeling of being out-of-breath and trying to do our best and yet feeling overwhelmed and alone in this journey where support and friendship is most needed.

There is not one perfect motherhood choice out there.

There is not a manual on how to have the perfect motherhood life and children and house. Yet, there is often this crazy unspoken about competitive world of motherhood out there where we as mothers could feel like the measuring bar of what one needs to do is so high and unattainable and we'll never reach the top.

Do you know what I believe you and I need to remember?

This.

Moms don't need to one-up each other. Moms need to embrace each other.

When we compete we lose seeing the heart of the person sitting in the room with us.

We need to learn to love each other in the midst of lives that may look different than our own. To extend a hand to another and to accept help from another. To be real with where they are and to work together to get better. To not judge one's present based on the present of another. To know that our kids aren't our measuring stick of motherhood success. To know that there are many many many different choices that we make and that the choices don't define the perfect mother.

We could get stuck thinking that there is only one way to do motherhood. Then we're back into comparing - working versus not working versus staying at home versus part time. Comparing medical choices - vaccines versus no vaccines or breast feeding versus bottle feeding. Education choices, sports choices, extracurricular choices, parenting choices,  housing choices, and on and on and on.

And then? Then beyond the big life choices there are the pressures. The pins, the trips, the crafts, the projects, the not caring about doing those things, the cars, the houses, the decorating, the extra-curricular activities, this and that and a world full of millions of things to do that can clutter our brains so that we miss seeing the important.

Those things don't define mothers.

They don't define you.

You.

You might have to work and don't want to work  and realize that it's the best choice for you and your family  but you get yourself out of bed every single morning and you love on your kids and you work. You are a good mom. 

You might want to work and love working and realize that it's the best choice for you and your family and you get out of bed every single morning and you love on your kids and you work. You are a good mom.

You might stay home with your kids and you realize it's the best choice for you and your family and your get out of bed every single morning and you love on your kids and you stay at home and work. You are a good mom.

Listen to me. You and I could list every single choice that we're presented with as moms - all of those things that often get debated and cause such animosity between people and at the end of the day and the end of the list you and I would still need to put at the end - you are a good mom.

Motherhood and motherhood success and beauty and the root of motherhood cannot ever be determined by those externals. We are all different. With different paths - which includes bumps in the road that push us in directions that we never ever imagined that we must work through. And yet, sweet mother, we are all women who are in the midst of the motherhood journey. It's can be easy to look at externals and forget the heart of the person, the mother, standing in the room with you.

What if the excess of information, the options to have more and do more, and the comfortableness of life was removed? What if instead of dealing with soccer camps, decorating living rooms, and which grocery store we were going to shop at we just had to all survive? You know as well as I do that the competitive measuring up parameters would be simply erased. We wouldn't care how perfect our schedule and planner looked - we'd focus on living. We'd see how valuable and important the simple giving of self motherhood things truly are in life.

I think that's the thing, the truth, that we need to remember in motherhood.

Let's look at what matters.

It's the giving of self in the midst of a period of life where you are pushed to exhaustion and yet you have to give, give, give even when it's not often reciprocated or appreicated. It's the late night rocking and singing of songs while you let the dishes wait. It's the times when you have to work simply to put food on the table. It's the moments where you gather all the courage, tenacity, and bravery that you can find and you fight for your kids and family. It's in the good mornings and I love you's and tucking in at night. It's in learning to love and to thrive in the midst of crazy busy.

All this comparing robs joy and distorts from the being enough moments and beauty of motherhood.

And often creates a culture of aloneness and feeling like one doesn't measure up.

Enough.

You are enough. (link)

You are amazing and a fighter in a world of expectations. You love on your kids. You do what is best for your kids. And your story will look different from my story from the story of the moms that I met this weekend from the moms reading this in London to the moms in New Zealand to the moms at the doctor's office and from everybody else.

You matter. You make a difference.

It is not a competition.

So your decisions, your choices, your external things that so often grade motherhood aren't a grade of success. They are simply part of your story. What if we as women decided to strip away all of those things that could make us compete and instead look at the mom, the person, the friend, the woman that is standing in preschool next to us?

Do you know what we'd find?

A mom. With her story. Real.

A mom with her own moments of bravery. A mom, just like you, living in a world where there is crazy competition. A mom with ups and downs and good times and bad times and moments where this whole motherhood thing makes her need a good cry. Or laugh. A mom whose life isn't perfect.

Underneath it all, underneath the expectations, the parameters, the never ending ladder of what mothers should be doing, underneath that are moms.

Moms are amazing.

So keep fighting for your kids. Rising up. Brushing their hair. Gathering your courage. Driving where you need to go. Laughing with them. Working. Making dinners. Helping with homework. Saving passwords on the computer. Dealing with sibling issues. Folding socks.  Or doing whatever you need to do and know that in it all that it makes a life difference.

It's not a competition.

It's motherhood.

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All photographs used by permission and credited to Hannah Nicole.
Images and original content are sole property of Rachel Martin and may not be used, copied or transmitted without prior written consent.

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to the frazzled mom.

Who really is the normal mom because we've all had those moments of feeling frazzled.

Maybe it's because motherhood feels so often like this crazy journey of being one step behind all the time and the word frazzled seems to embody what it's like some days. Oh yes, there are days that are amazing, peaceful, and simply normal, but there are also days when bedtime feels like an eternity away and that our to-do list could earn it's own spot on wikipedia and when our best friend is the barista at Starbucks. (Wait, make friends with them...I did with mine and they're awesome ... love you, Nancy, Toni, and Lake.)

I'm writing to you, the mom that simply feels frazzled, if even for a moment in the middle of the day, because I want you to know that you're not alone. I think it's impossible to make it through this crazy journey of raising little humans to be independent adults and not have a moment or two or twenty or a hundred where one is feeling slightly overwhelmed and frazzled.

Frazzled isn't bad, it's just being honestly, well, part of normal. I mean look at the portrait my four year old drew of me. Crazy cool hair, running, eyes that have had their limit of coffee, and well, you got it - a mom.

Normal. Normal has amazing days where you feel like Kate Perry and want to roar. Normal has days where you want the gold star for simply making it to nap time. Normal is working, teaching, driving, cleaning, wiping noses, hanging clothes, and plowing through life. Normal for me is different from your normal which is different from your best friend's normal which is just normal. Motherhood is this collection of cool stories of normal.

So I'm writing, to you, right now, the mom who answers to the what feels like 482 cries of mom - just in the morning. Alone. You're the one who deals with debates over who gets the blue crayon, who helps find the missing shoe when you're late, scours Target for Halloween clearance costumes at 90% off, who makes dinner that so often is met with yucks, who works hard, and goes to bed utterly exhausted, and well, sometimes you might be frazzled. Just a bit.

I wish I could give your fourteen steps to make you slow down, breathe, and release the frazzled feelings of motherhood. But, I can't. Not unless we want to completely step away from the crazy and frantic world that we live in. Our world is a world of speed, changes, updates, and unbelievable expectations.  Our world is full of news, ideas, things to do, things to not do, airbrushing, miracle cures, easy steps to success, projects, pins, status updates, and commercials that all compete for the definition of what is normal and what is expected.

I'm not sure where these expectations come from and how so often it's easy to let all these external things that shout at the definition of motherhood success define motherhood. There is no manual for being the perfect mom - there is no grading system for moms - and yet, yet so often I think you and I live in this world where we feel that motherhood is measured and graded. There is no grading of motherhood.

There is just real life.

Real stories. Real moms. Real normals.

There is the real life that involves sick kids (oh, how I despise cold and flu season. Now is the time that I want to buy the big vat of hand sanitizer and bathe my kids in it daily). Real life that involves dishwashers that break, cars that need brakes, seasonal clothes that need to be switched, runny noses that need to be wiped, toys to be sorted, bills to be paid, and all of that stuff that is so so normal.

And there's you. In the midst of it all, feeling frazzled and tired and sometimes a bit overwhelmed with this mothering journey. It's easy to think that there's this ideal - this supermom - that is attainable if only we would just do this or organize this way or make this cool project or have our kids in these classes and all of that. Those are just externals. They don't qualify or grade motherhood.

Sometimes motherhood is just hard frazzled feeling days.

Yet, we love our kids. We love those kids that keep us up at night, the ones we rock to sleep, the ones who decide that they aren't going to pick up the toys and we sit in the room and negotiate with them for way too long, the ones who think we're dumb, the ones who dump out the toys that we just put away.

Real motherhood.

Real motherhood is an exercise in bravery.  In Starbucks latte loving. In patience, problem solving, and loving another person who drives you a bit crazy at times. It's in remembering that the other moms at preschool, pta, co-op, grocery store, and everyone who looks like they have it all together still have to go home and deal with the mom stuff that can make us all feel frazzled.

So, to you, today, I want you to remember a couple things. First, you might not hear the words thank you or you're amazing or you're the best mom ever or I appreciate all you do for a very very long time. Just because you don't hear them doesn't mean you don't matter. In fact, I'm telling them to you right now.

Thank you.

Thank you for getting up in the middle of the night even when you're exhausted and just want to pull the covers over your head. Thank you for helping with long division. Thank you for making oatmeal in the morning and scrubbing bowls with dried oatmeal on them that should have been rinsed immediately. Thank you for pulling out the mittens, hats, and snowpants and then spending ten minutes getting little ones ready to go outside who only play for eight minutes. Thank you for the countless visits to the doctor's office and holding puke buckets and taking temperatures and holding little ones who don't feel well. Thank you for helping with homework, folding socks, making dinners, and driving everywhere even without the taxi sign on your car.

Thank you, sometimes feeling frazzled mom, for all you do. For being a mom. For living in a world that so quickly wants to grade you on hypothetical externals that don't really matter. That stuff doesn't matter. You and your kids matter. That's the important.

You matter.

Not because of all of these ideas of mom success but simply because you are enough.

You, when you love your kids and keep trying and keep loving and remember grace and to laugh and simply being a mom is what truly makes a difference. It's the life difference.

So dear frazzled mom, today, today pull that frazzled hair into a pony tail, and keep being awesome.

That's exactly what you are.

******

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Today's photos? A mixture of real life live from the instagram feed. Find me there at finding_joy and pics used by permission and credited to Hannah Nicole
Images and original content are sole property of Rachel Martin and may not be used, copied or transmitted without prior written consent.

Want to read some inspiring letters to moms? Grab my ebook with 21 original letters.

to the mom with a lemonade life story.

(By the way, I think we all have and share that kind of story...)

You know that phrase when life hands you lemons make lemonade?

Well, I think that goes for most of life. Motherhood included.

Right now, there's you, in the midst of your journey. You're the mom in your home or at work or sitting in the doctor's office or taking a walk in probably a life dotted with lemon moments. They are those things that sometimes we'd love to brush under the rug like my kids do when they sweep the floor - oh yeah, I've seen it. Sometimes we don't like to talk about those lemon things in our lives - the relationships that we thought would be forever that slowly crumbled under our feet or the fact that the bank account most days is in the red or there's sickness or struggles or that sometimes we wonder if we're really cut out for this motherhood thing. It's easy to try hide.

It's easy to think we are the only one who is mothering in a life that really isn't the life that we pictured.

Do you remember thinking about life and motherhood when you were young?

Did you picture motherhood for what it really is most days? Most days of doing the same thing over and over and over again. Days of dealing with toddlers who don't like the shirts with tags or stripes or with the lion on front and you find yourself in the midst of complex shirt negotiations when you're late. There are days of scrubbing peanut butter out of the carpet and googling how to get crayon out of clothes that ran through the dryer and staying up late trying to convince the eleven year old to fix that paragraph on their report on a favorite historical figure. There are moments trying to navigate Target while pushing the gigantic cart while searching for the noodles for dinner while the toddler decides to have a meltdown (and yes, you're not alone, all kids have a meltdown at some point - to you I say - carry on supermom.) There are moments with broken strings and permanent markers and crazy moments managing.

Then there's you. Hoping for a shower or a break or for just one night where the kids all go to bed. And smashed into all the mothering things are those doubts - the wonderings if your kids are going to turn out okay because you didn't get them into ballet or soccer or taekwondo when they were three (trust me, they'll be fine). Or you hoping that you're doing enough or you hoping for just a moment to take a break.

And then there are those lemon moments in life. The hard stuff that so easily could paint the story that you're living into shades of gray. But, the truth is that the lemons and those hard moments are what makes your story yours. It's where you learn about bravery, strength, courage, tenacity, and that yes, to only give the three year old two shirt options when you're late. Or, honestly, no shirt options at all - then opt for the tag free striped shirt with the lion on front.

Life is lemonade.

It's a mixture of those challenging moments when we're pushed to the brink of ourselves mixed with sweet moments where our kids are perfect mixed with ordinary, plain, pull the wash out of the dryer and fold the clothes days. There are times where we sit out on the front porch with tears streaming from our face looking at the stars at night and simply praying for strength for tomorrow. There are times when we are brave and make the tough choices even though the whole world might think we're crazy.

It's in motherhood too. It the times when we choose to count to twenty again and again and again and then we up it to counting to thirty. It's in the moments where the door is slammed on our faces and we wonder why in the world we're doing this crazy thing called motherhood. It's in the times we pace and walk and deal with that colicky baby who doesn't resemble the sweet newborn we thought we would have.

But it's also so sweet.

Let's not forget those moments - they're the moments in the mix of life that makes your story laced with moments of beauty. It's in the sweet I love you momma moments. Or the times where we choose to rock our preschooler in the morning and put the phone down (Read this short story I put up on the finding joy facebook page - it has already over 60k views). It's in the art projects, talks in the car, ice cream treats late at night, stories read, and hands wiped. It's in the kids cuddled on the couch reading together. It's in the text messages from our teens saying thank you.

The little things.

A lemonade life story isn't bad, sweet mother. It's normal. It's your story, your amazing story that you're writing right now. Right now, this is your life, and your journey. You could compare it to me or to the other commenter on facebook or your neighbor next door but all that comparing has the potential to make you less content with you. Don't compare. Learn. Your story is beautiful and unique and yours. Even if it isn't perfect.

It can be easy to wonder how did this become my story ? I know. I've asked it.

You know what? Let's not ask that question anymore. Do you know why? Because you are blessed with now. Today. Maybe the past is full of lemons. Hard things. Times when you felt like you deserved the bad mom of the day or the week mother status (let me tell you in January I'll be writing about those things - kids cooped in the house with negative temps outside pushes a mother to her limits). But here's the deal - those things are in the past. Learn from them. Grow. And yet embrace today.

I'm not joking.

Embrace today.

If you never read my words again the one thing I would want you to leave this site is with the idea of embracing today. Loving the little things - finding joy in the moments - that you are blessed with in the middle of today. It's not those gigantic cool things that we think motherhood could be about. It's in the eleven seconds when you stand at the bedroom door and watch your ten year old sleep - the ten year old who you battled with all day and yet love with all of your heart. Or when your five year old pats your hand and tell you he loves you. Or when no one complains about dinner (that's a moment - savor it). Or when a friend calls you out of the blue to just say hello. Or when you're told I love you. Or when your kids just want to be around you.

Little. Things. Matter.

Celebrate them with me. Live your lemonade life grateful because right now, at this moment, what you are doing in your imperfect life makes a life difference to your kids. They need you, their mom, their not so perfect but very real mom who is living a lemonade life story.

That's the beautiful truth.

From me, one mom living a lemonade life and still loving the little things, to you.

*****
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Today's photos? A mixture of real life live from the instagram feed. Find me there at finding_joy and pics used by permission and credited to Hannah Nicole
Images and original content are sole property of Rachel Martin and may not be used, copied or transmitted without prior written consent.

Want to read some inspiring letters to moms? Grab my ebook with 21 original letters.

what kids need.

I think you're the best, mommy.

I didn't believe him.

I sat in my living room, on the worn plaid couch that for years I've wished to replace, and I heard those words tumble from my six year old Elijah's mouth directed for me. That sweet boy, the one who loves Angry Birds and has the energy of four kids tucked into his little body, was standing there. Staring at me - the weary mom. And simply telling me he thinks I am the best.

I wanted to debate with him.

I wanted to tell him that I wasn't. That I was short tempered and lost my patience when we couldn't find the missing shoe and that the living room was messy and that the dishes from breakfast were mixing with the dishes from lunch waiting to be done and that I'm sorry that we still hadn't read the book that he had brought down before breakfast and that I shouldn't have been distracted.

I saw all the things that I didn't do right.

I saw the Halloween costume scraped from things that were tucked in the dress up box that's normally shoved in the corner in the laundry room with the unfolded basket of socks resting on top. It's the box that they beg to take out and so often I tell them not right now simply because I don't want to deal with the mess.

He didn't see that.

He saw that I pulled out the box and that I helped him figure out a costume. He didn't care that it was last minute or that it wasn't super creative or that it wasn't the coolest latest trend. He didn't care that the hat was from the airport in Chicago and that it was purchased on the way home from one of my speaking engagements.

He saw that I helped him find that pilot hat and that I helped him stick on a $5 felt beard that itched him like terrible but he wanted so bad to keep it on his chin. He saw the $1 glowsticks that I grabbed in the deals section of Target that we threw in his plastic grocery bag making it glow.

He remembered that I let him help make chips and cheese for lunch.

He remembered that when he worked on his homework that I was so proud of how he made his lowercase e.

He didn't see all the stuff that I remembered.

We're hard on ourselves moms.

Let me repeat that.

We are hard on ourselves.

That's the truth. We are plain and simple really terribly hard on ourselves. If you were to come into my home and describe my mothering you would probably describe it with a great deal more grace then often I'm willing to give myself. Yet we live in a world and a culture that is constantly trying to put parameters around what makes a good mom and what kids need. There are blog posts, pinterest pins, cute pictures and quotes on facebook, adorable instagrams, and clever tweets all about mothers. More and more and more.

Our kids don't see those things. They're not scouring facebook or pinterest making sure that we're doing all the things that often time we think we should be doing.

They're just being kids. Who need a mom. A mom that is there for them when they fall and need a bandage. A mom that's willing to listen to their tales from the day. A mom who makes them spaghetti with just enough sauce and extra parmesan cheese sprinkled on the top. A mom who loves them. Even when she's tired or worried or thinks she's not doing enough.

Being a mom isn't about doing all that stuff.

It's about being there in the thick of things, in the trenches, and doing your best. And sometimes your best looks one way and other times it looks totally different. It doesn't need to match what your friends are doing or what you see on pinterest or facebook or on television. It's the best for you and your family. Your kids simply need you.

They see you for what you really are. Even if sometimes they don't admit it. Or don't say it. Or slam doors in your face. Or are obstinate. Or don't want to eat dinner. Or won't go to bed. Or don't clean their room. Or when it feels like they don't see all the stuff that you really do. Like laundry.

Being a mom isn't easy.

It's giving constantly. It's being creative, confident, inventive, proactive, energetic, pondering, nurturing, patient, loving, joyful, rule keeping, rule setting, teaching, caring, staying up until the wee hours of the morning, not comparing, always learning - it's all the things that you already do that are often so easy to dismiss.

So to you, right now, the mom in the midst of the journey, to you I just want you to remember that today, right now, what you are doing really matters. It may seem small or inconsequential or that you've said no candy right now a million times (at least that's what it feels like in my home) or that you're just being a mom.

Just being a mom is exactly what those silly energetic feisty drive you crazy at times kids of ours need.

You are being the one that nurtures little humans. Teaches them to survive and thrive in this world. You teach them confidence and that wearing blue crocs on Halloween are cool. You teach them what it means to be brave and to keep going. And you teach them about selfless love and giving of self.

And it's not in the big perfect things. It's the little things. The hugs. I love you's. And being the one that smiles at them no matter what.

Start seeing that.

So sweet mother who may feel weary in this motherhood journey. Who may feel like she's doing the same thing over and over. Who may feel like she's working, working, working, and racing home and just getting minutes of time. Who sees everything where she thinks she messes up. You know what? Do you know what do kids need?

They need you.

The imperfect real perfect for your kids mom.

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All photographs used by permission and credited to Hannah Nicole.
Images and original content are sole property of Rachel Martin and may not be used, copied or transmitted without prior written consent.

how moms get it all done

Well, truthfully, they don't.

Bottom for real it's just how it is line - they don't get it all done.

I don't. You don't. The mom next door doesn't. The mom at the preschool class with the super cool treats with handmade decorations doesn't. The mom in the Starbucks (excellent choice) line in front of you doesn't. The mom at church, work, school, grocery store, doctor's office, next door, driving to baseball, and all the other moms - they just don't get it all done.

And it's okay.

I know, you're probably looking at that to-do list (or not if you're simply anti to-do lists) and right now a million things are running through your brain. I know even writing that triggered a list that raced through my head - move the laundry from the washer to the dryer, fold the towels that got dumped out of the dryer and not folded, finish cleaning the kitchen, make sure you work on multiplication facts, call to check on test times, call the dentist and set up cleanings (weren't we just there?), call the doctor and set up a recheck, get groceries, respond to emails, write post, help with science report, find something for dinner, wipe down fridge interior, go get groceries, don't forget gluten free bread, and on and on - all of that? All I had to do was think of a list and those are the things that immediately came into my mind.

And then, then the list of everything I should have done will start to pester me. I should have read one more book, should have played longer, should have helped them clean their room, should have, should have, should have.

The truth? You and I and all the moms in the world just don't ever get it all done.

We're a life in motion.

A life where there are real hurdles, real bumps, real moments where we want to just throw our hands in the air and say enough. Or maybe at least ask for a fifty second pause. A mom time out, perhaps?

But, do you want to know truth?

You really do get it all done.

You get done what you can do and you get up in the morning and you keep going in a world where the list will never ever end. That's the thing about motherhood and life - the list is like this never ending ladder of things to constantly keep doing. You think you made it to the top rung and then there's always just one more thing you could be doing. One more after one more after one more.

Do you know that right now even if you feel like you're flailing just trying to keep your head above water because you have that eight week colicky baby and a three year old and you're house isn't perfectly put back together that you're getting it all done.

Do you know that when you drop off the little one at daycare who cries when you leave and you back out of the driveway and spill just a bit of that fabulous Starbucks coffee on your clean shirt and you answer emails and think about what you're going to make for dinner that you're getting it all done?

Do you know that when you sit outside a bedroom door and talk with your teen about really hard stuff and love of them in the midst and stay up late and forget about folding the towels on the floor but instead just sit and listen that you are getting it all done?

You are mothering.

It's not about a never ending nebulous to-do list of things.

It's about being real. Being a mother. Putting one foot in front of the other and marching forward even though sometimes it feels like you're simply treading water.

You are getting up. You are making breakfast for your family. Taking care of them. Working or staying at home or working at home. Cleaning up. Doing laundry. Giving kisses and hugs when needed. Crying in the bathroom when you're overwhelmed and then splashing water on your face. Buttering sandwiches. Making beds (maybe). Matching socks. Looking littles in the eye and telling them you're the best. Trying to figure out Halloween costumes the night before (that's me today). Giving hugs. Sharing your sandwich. Budgeting in a world where you wish you could just have a budget. Picking up the same toy again and again. Feeding babies. You're moving.

You are moving.

Motherhood is a to-do list in constant motion.

Getting it all done doesn't mean having a list at the end of the day with every single thing checked off. Getting it all done means doing exactly what you've been doing since the day you became blessed to be a mother. It means making mistakes and yet trying again. It means fighting for your family. It means smiling with tears in your eyes. It's reading books over and over again. It's being okay with rerunnig the wash cycle because you forgot to move it. It's in learning to give yourself grace and the mothers all around you grace.

It's looking at the ambiguous never ending ladder of things that we think we should could forgot to need to be doing and saying - I am enough.

I am enough when I love my kids. When I fight for them. When I do my normal every day things that often feel like they don't mean much but in the scheme of life are the moments that will matter. I am enough even when I make mistakes and try again. I am enough when my life isn't perfect. I am enough when we have the same dinner again and again. I am enough even when I feel so often like I'm out of breath. I am enough when I am running late. I am enough when I stay up late sitting on the floor in my toddlers room because he won't go to sleep. I am enough.

Enough.

Moms get it all done every single day.

One thing. One hug. One smile. One more pulling up of the boot straps. One more fight for right. One more reminder of grace. One more not comparing my life to the mom next doors life and using that to judge getting it all done. One more listening to the same knock knock joke and chuckling again moment in life. One more moment simply being a mom.

So if you're asked how you get it all done every single day you can answer that's just what moms do.

to receive finding joy via email simply click subscribe.
Today's photos? All real life live from the instagram feed. Find me there at finding_joy
Images and original content are sole property of Rachel Martin and may not be used, copied or transmitted without prior written consent.

Want to read more letters to moms? Grab my ebook with 21 original letters.

How to Be a Better Mom in Five Steps

Secret: I've been waiting to do that title for months.

You all know me. I joke about how there isn't one parenting book out there that will teach how to master the art of motherhood in thirteen steps spread out over two weeks with just three hours a day spent at the low cost of $19.95. Nope. Not one. Not one easy program for becoming the perfect mother.

So what's with the title? What's with this Be a Better Mom stuff from me?

Well, I'm going to write five ways to be a better mom. But, it's probably not what you're thinking it will be. Nope. It's not about steps. It's not a program. It's not going to guarantee that you wake up tomorrow and that your hair is fabulous so you don't need the shower and that your go-to jeans look killer and your black top doesn't have spit up stains on the shoulder. Nope. It's not going to put the dinner in the oven early, nor guarantee that all of your laundry is completed and <gasp> actually put away in drawers. Nope.

These five steps are things you already do. They're the Being a Mom is Enough steps of motherhood.

Here you go.

1. Stop Comparing. Your kids need you.  You. You're the perfect mom for those kids of yours. I know sometimes you might not feel like you are or you might even be thinking how in the world you got stuck with such a crazy spitfire of a little human that refuses to ever stay in bed. Yeah. I get that. I've had those moments wondering why I'm qualified to teach, to raise, to train, and to be the mom to my kids. But, I'm telling you, that you, right now, are the mom that they need. Not your friend next door. Or the mom at soccer that seems to always always always have it perfectly together while you come racing in with your double stroller late. Again. (That doesn't matter. You made it there.) Not the mom on facebook with the cool fall craft and clean kitchen.

So, no more comparing. No more thinking that if I was just like her that life would be perfect. Nope. You are their mother. And they need and love you. Even if sometimes they slam the door shut to their rooms and yell I hate you. Even then.

2. Love yourself. Take care of yourself.  I know, kind of weird, right? But, it's true. You need to take care of you in this motherhood journey as well. Now, I'm not talking about the kind of take care of yourself where you count your shower as your free time. Wait. There are seasons in life where that is free time. New moms - I want you to savor every single shower that you get. Savor. Okay, wait, again. All moms - savor the shower moments - or at least the 48 seconds between knocks and cries for mom.

But, seriously, take time for yourself. And love yourself - value yourself. Cultivate your gifts, your talents, and don't let them fade away just because you're mom. Let them grow and let them flourish. It is so good for your kids to see you doing things you love and to take care of yourself. That's what they need to remember - not a mom who wore herself out completely. Rest is good. Laughter is good. Taking care of yourself is excellent.

3. Don't expect perfection. From yourself. From your life. From your kids. From your friends. Just don't expect perfection. Life is so far from perfect, but that doesn't make it any less beautiful. In fact, I will argue that because life isn't perfect that is what makes it most beautiful. The moments where you discover your strength and your bravery and your capacity to love another person aren't in the moments when everything is smooth sailing. They are in the moments when you surprise yourself with this deep strength tucked inside.

They are in the times when you simply decide to give yourself grace and keep on trying. They're when you pull up your bootstraps. When you decide that even if it isn't perfect that life is beautiful. They're in the simple seconds of breath in between the crazy moments of stress. It's in simply being a mom and trying again and again and again.

4. Let Your Kids Be Kids. They are kids. They are not mini adults, nor mini-you's. They are unique, fabulous, challenging at moments, wonderful, crazy, energetic, emotional, crying, laughing, jumping on couches, learning, unbelievably cool, independent people. And right now, they are kids. They are learning what it takes to be adults, they are growing, and they need to be taught.

But they also need to be kids. They need to spend times making messes. Playing with paints. Running outside. Creating. Building. Taking apart. Laughing. Learning. Jumping. Exploring. Reading. They need to be kids. And you can gift them with that space - that wonderful space called childhood that can so easily be sucked out of the everyday by the busy demands of our culture. Let them be kids.

5. Celebrate the Little Things. My hashtag that I put on almost every single instagram that I do is #littlethingsmatter - find me at finding_joy - and there's a reason. Life is a collection of these little moments, these snippets of time, that when woven together creates your story, your life, your motherhood journey. It's easy to constantly look to the next big event as the moment that will make motherhood amazing or your kid's life fabulous. We all know those moments are fabulous.

But so are the simple moments. Looking at the stars at night and pointing out Orion's Belt. Letting your three year old dump the powdered cheese into the macaroni noodles and letting them stir. Playing in the sandbox together. Reading books at night. Being a family. Maybe your time is fragmented. Maybe you only have moments at night. Those times matter. Greatly. Your seven year old will remember the extra scoop that you put in the ice cream. Or when you let him stay up fifteen minutes later. It really is the little things.

Five steps.Here's a secret. You probably already do these things. Maybe instead of this being a post about being a better mom it's a post telling you why you're a fabulous mom. Or you're mom enough. (link) Or not to worry.

Onward brave mother. Onward.

Those kids grow. You're doing fine. One day, one mothering moment, after another.

What things would you add to this list? I'd like to put on there that laundry completed doesn't matter. And you? 

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Today's photos? All real life live from the instagram feed. Find me there at finding_joy
Images and original content are sole property of Rachel Martin and may not be used, copied or transmitted without prior written consent.

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boxed macaroni and cheese doesn't define motherhood

So I might have mentioned that I buy boxed macaroni and cheese.

I mentioned it on my mom confession post  (link) that I wrote earlier this week.

Do I know that the boxed, gluten free (because that's the only kind of macaroni Samuel can ever eat because he has Celiac Disease) is probably not the best, most nutritious, awesome food choice for my kids? Absolutely. Do I still buy it for my kids to have at lunch once a week? Yes.

I didn't mention it to talk about organic versus processed versus homemade versus whatever food choices.

Truth? There are some of you out there right now that can only afford the boxed macaroni and cheese and are grateful to have that to serve your kids for dinner. There are some of you who would never serve the boxed macaroni and cheese. There are some of you who are reading this who don't really care about boxed macaroni and cheese and are probably wondering why I've invested so much time writing about a $1.99 product that i buy at Trader Joe's.

Do you know why I'm writing about it?

I'm writing about it today because I'm telling you those details do not make or define or create or elevate one to the good perfect amazing extraordinary mother status.

Those things do not create a mother.

Ultimately, what matters is that you mother them. That you are the one in the trenches fighting for them, loving them, defending them, letting them fall and then helping them back up, praying for them, believing in them, caring for them, nurturing them, laughing with them, helping them, creating with them, dreaming with them, and simply being the one that is there for them - in all things.

If you serve boxed macaroni and cheese then you do. Should you have it every day? Probably not. Is it the best choice for lunch? Maybe not. But, I'm here to tell you that sometimes in the busy crazy pull your hair out moments of motherhood that making boxed macaroni and cheese for lunch and getting into bowls and getting kids to eat it is a small victory in itself.

Motherhood is not easy. It's not easy in a world that races by on hyper drive. It's not easy with limited budgets. With kids who rebel. With externals screaming at us about all we need to be doing to "make it" as a mom.

You can't base your worth as a mother on those external variables. There is always always always something more that we are being told by society that we could do, should do, should have done, need to do, and didn't do.

That is exhausting.

So when I decided to list my mom confessions it was simply to demonstrate that I am real. I am real enough to admit that I don't have it together every day. Or that I'm okay with serving that product to my kids. Or that I never, or rarely, fold socks. Do you know why? Because honestly, sometimes it's okay with saying to each other that you are a good mom and you are trying and what you're doing really matters and hooray for getting lunch on the table.

I know I talk about when we get old and stuff, but I'm telling you, we are not going to talk about our lunch choices. Or the fact that my kids dig through a round white laundry basket looking for a matching pair of socks. Do you know what we will talk about?

We will talk about our motherhood journey.

We will probably talk about how we wished we would have slowed down, loved the little things, and all of that.

We will talk not about the minutia but about the loving our children moments.

We will celebrate the times where we were brave, courageous, and fought.

We will remember the sweet moments, the challenges, and the normal.

We will celebrate our years as moms.

Not the macaroni and cheese. Or all of those other things we could debate about.

So, moms, make the best choices you can today. And stand proud in what you do. Be brave. And link arms with the moms around you - don't define you based on what they do and don't define them based on what you do. We are all unique, all with our own stories, all with our own journeys, and all with our own path. Let's support each other. Love each other. Encourage each other on those moments when we just want to scream I can't do this anymore.

Big picture.

Love your kids. Do your best. Moms are amazing.

And that means you.

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All photographs used by permission and credited to Hannah Nicole.
Images and original content are sole property of Rachel Martin and may not be used, copied or transmitted without prior written consent.

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to the tired mom

Last night my four year old decided to sleep next to me.

He slept amazing.

I didn't sleep. Sleeping with a four year old is like sleeping next to the hands of a clock. As the night wore on I was inevitably met with feet in my face then hands and then back to feet.

I woke tired. More than tired. I woke wondering why I don't have my red mini Keurig set up in my room waiting with a mug underneath and all I have to do is hit brew.

He woke up happy.

I love you mommy.

He had no idea how tired I really was or how my back was sore or how I really just wanted to sleep for five more minutes - he just was grateful to see me.

And you?

Are you a tired mom?

Are you waking up wishing for more hours in the day? Are you pushing yourself to limits that you didn't have? Working? Cleaning? Mothering? Wondering? Dealing with kids that are fighting over whose turn it is to play Club Penguin on the computer? (or maybe that's just me) Are you wondering whether what you're doing every day makes a difference? Are you tired of the same routine?

Sometimes being a mom means simply being tired.

Sometimes being a mom means feeling a bit lonely. Like no one else notices what we're doing. After all, no one would know that I had maybe a solid 42.4 minute chunk of sleep last night except that I wrote about it. Well, the gals at Starbucks might know when I come in and ask for a venti caramel macchiato. (Be ready, my Barista friends.)

Motherhood is so often this giving of self in our homes that no one sees. We work. We make macaroni and cheese and forget to take the noodles off and so they become mushy. We pick up Little Tikes toys in the backyard again and again and wonder why we have so much plastic. We fold frayed towels, match socks, call doctors, wash walls that have handprints on them, wash sticky faces, help with long division (is it ever easy for any child?), clean the kitchen, wipe down the microwave after our nine year old decided to zap something for too long, we go to work, come home from work, we work at home, we mother all day, we do whatever that each of our stories are, and then we go to bed.

Yeah, we could argue that it's just motherhood. And it's just what moms have had to do forever.

You know what? We have. Since the beginning of time moms have had to get up, had to deal with kid issues, money issues, teaching issues, health issues, and so on.

But,just because we've always had to do something doesn't mean it doesn't need to be celebrated and honored. Motherhood, parenthood, they're amazing things. It's not just roses and sunshine and skipping though the meadows holding hands. It's real hard stuff. Stuff that doesn't seem like it will push us to our limits and yet it does. Stuff that gives us great joy and puts a smile on our face and an hour later has us wondering why in the world the four year old is making us want to pull our hair out.

We go into the world and do our jobs and smile at the other preschool moms and order our lattes and drive down the interstate and get groceries and we smile.

You're not alone. Do you hear me?

You. are. not. alone.

The other moms in preschool, at the grocery store, at work, at school, at co-op classes, at the doctor's office, at where ever you may be, well chances are that they might feel tired as well. Wondering about all this motherhood stuff. Yet, still giving of self for those kids that you love.

So today, today, I stand up and salute you the tired, and yet amazing, mom. You the mom with no sleep. You the mom who needs encouragement. You the mom who works and works and works for her family and it feels like no one notices. You the mom with those three kids under five who never gets a break. You the mom with the newborn who never gets sleep. You the mom staying up late waiting for the teen to come home. You the mom. Plain and simple. You, the mom.

Motherhood is a brave journey. It's always been this brave thing to raise another independent, pushing the limits, melt your heart at night, love them forever even when they drive you crazy, human.

That's what you're doing. Even on those tired days.

You. The amazing, brave, empowered, no sleep yet fighting, awesome, cool, mom.  

Who needs sleep anyway, right? (oh yeah, and get that extra shot at Starbucks)

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Today's photos? All real life live from the instagram feed. Find me there at finding_joy
Images and original content are sole property of Rachel Martin and may not be used, copied or transmitted without prior written consent.

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