my miscellany sunday. with some updates.

I thought I'd do something new this week and write my miscellany monday post on sunday. I've always been  kind of rebellious, I guess. ;)

1 - the shoulder. Again, thank you for the prayers, and the cheers, and the "you can do its" and kind comments. This shoulder journey has been exactly that -- a journey. In the morning, like now, I feel pretty good. By the end of the day,  my arm is exhausted and simple motions are difficult. But, it's progress -- each time I drive, or start a load of laundry, or cook dinner (even though it's much slower) is a step forward. Sometimes I'd like to be like Elijah and really let those emotions show! Ha haha.

2 - the coffee run. Yesterday, I went to get my $2 latte from our local Caribou Coffee. Now, I live near an outlet mall and at Christmas time my Caribou gets overrun with all those shoppers. So I sat in line waiting to order for a good 15 minutes. Which is when I snapped that picture with my cell phone below.

3 - the coffee drive-thru move. Drivethru is out the left window, right? My arm cannot move well to the left and out so in order to pay and receive that $2 cup of delicious hot coffee I had to improvise. Meet the coffee-move: start sitting facing ahead. Greet the 18yo drivethru gal in the $10 over the top Christmas sweater with all the glitz (she told me the price -- at a consignment shop). Remove money. Be confident as you go into the full body turn and rotate to hand her your money. Smile and nod as she looks at you wondering why on earth you didn't just hand the money out the way most people do.  Be bold in your move. Receive your coffee and slowly rotate entire body back into normal driving position. And yes, always make sure your vehicle is in park.

4 - the e-book. Tomorrow I'll be talking about 31Days to Clean, the ebook by Sarah Mae. She was one of my sponsors, those last minute wonderful sponsors, that helped me to get to the Relevant Conference in late October. As days pass I become even more grateful for the opportunity that I was given to attend. So, tomorrow I'll talk a bit about her ebook (which I've read and is wonderful) and will be offering you a 50% off code. And, yes, it would be an excellent gift. :)



5 - the feed, google friend connect, and facebook. I've been hearing rumors that google friend connect (that little widget on the sidebar) will be going away in March. Now, I believe the goal is to get everyone to use google plus, but I don't know, and I believe it might only be for non-bloggerblogs.  So, here's my first little suggestion -- if you're a subscriber via gfc you might want to consider subscribing to the email (it comes once a day, around noon), grabbing the rss feed, or joining my facebook page. All of the options are on the sidebar. Facebook, by the way is super fun,and of course, there are questions about coffee.:)

6 - the baking. I'm going to start making Christmas cookies this week. If you remember from last year, this is a huge tradition in our family. However, now this year, they'll all be gluten free. I remember when Samuel was first diagnosed with Celiac Disease thinking that I'd just make some gluten free and some gluten full (that's our code word for stuff with gluten). Well, in the last 10 months as we've adopted an almost completely gluten free household I can't imagine doing it the half and half way. Plus, he's two, and I hate (yes, I'm using that word) the moments when I have to tell him he can't have something because it has gluten in it.

7 - the cookies. I'll be sharing them with you. Pictures and all. And, thank you for all the gluten free cookie suggestions on facebook and twitter (see, I told you it's fun over there). Now, if I could just find flour that was less expensive. And oh yes, please do tell me what your favorite Christmas cookie/treat is -- I'd love to know!

8 - back to the arm. I think the biggest frustration for me is the arm fatigue/weakness. I've been typing this for about 15minutes and already my arm is extremely tired. They told me this was to be expected - they removed one of the 2tendons that holds the bicep in place (which is why I have that popeye type arm) and as a side effect are muscle fatigue. I know, it's only been 13days, but oh my, I just want some strength back in that left arm!  It's better than it was when this pic was taken -- on post op day4 (that's why there's no makeup and I'm sporting hair that is a bit messy....hee hee hee)

9 - presents. I haven't bought one. Just had to put that out there.

10 - some more of our Truth in the Tinsel crafts. Just had to share. Because they are so cute. And my kids are learning so much about Christmas and Advent and the birth of Jesus. It's a beautiful way to set the tone, and align the posture of their hearts to reflect the true and real meaning of Christmas. Any of you doing it? If you're interested in getting it here's the link -->> Truth in the Tinsel

And that's it! Hope you enjoyed my Sunday miscellany. And, yes, of course, I'm still putting the monday button up. And I'll link up with my sweet and dear and awesome friend Carissa tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe I'll be the first link-up. Wouldn't that be cool. Who am I kidding...I'll probably be sleeping. :)


{affiliate disclosure: this post contains several affiliate links. If you click on and purchase I will receive an affiliate commission for recommending these products. Please know that I only recommend products that I love. Federal Trade Commission 16CFR Part 255}

oranges, prayers, kids, and fashion. on monday.

This Monday simply must be better than last Monday. There is no shoulder surgery on the docket -- and for that I am grateful. In an effort to celebrate my thanksgiving for the last week I thought I'd look back and share some sweet light-hearted moments from my week.

1} Elijah's prayer. Last Sunday, before I left for my parents, Elijah {4years old} came up and prayed for my arm. He was so sweet, his little hand resting on my left shoulder, and his words came out asking for healing. Then I heard, and dear Lord, please heal my momma's arm so she can get bumped on it like this... and in the next breath he pushed my arm.  So, fast forward to when I returned from my parents after surgery when Elijah said another prayer for me. This time we started him telling him -- no actions and no pushes are needed to emphasize the point. :)

2} Awkward moment. When I was leaving the surgery center I was being pushed out in a wheelchair and we had to do the obligatory post-operation small talk. I was pretty out of it. Anyways, the sweet gal asked how many kids I had to which I replied, seven. Silence. Then she said, don't get offended by this, but what is wrong with you? Thank goodness for anesthesia. I think the 12second ride down the elevator in complete silence was a bit awkward. I just smiled and was kind in my reply back -- which I'll share with you in point ten.

3} Those awesome seven kids. On Saturday Todd, Samuel and I went to Costco to stock up on some groceries. When we returned I walked into a beautifully decorated home -- lovely paper crafts made by six out of my seven children. Blessings that I am grateful to have in my life. Blessings that I am grateful to have call me mom. Blessings I thought about while I rode down that back surgical center elevator.

4} Costco. The kids decided they always want their dad to go with me to get groceries. Not only did we come home with more groceries then when I go, we also came back with some more fun and more desired food choices. Ha ha ha! They were so thrilled at the extra goodies that dad bought. And I was so blessed by our afternoon -- Costco, Starbucks, and Target -- but by the time I was back I was totally exhausted.

5} Hannah's treats. My eldest made these on Saturday using oranges that we got while wandering Costco. No words needed to describe the fabulousness {yes, I'm using that as a word} of these orange treats. Want to know more? click HERE to get her recipe at Aspire. Now, shhh....I'm tiptoeing upstairs to get just one more. :)

6} And those oranges? We spent $9.99 on a 13pound box of oranges. As I type this on Sunday afternoon only half a box of oranges remains. I am constantly fending off questions from I'm totally starving little boys who just need one more orange. Here I was hoping that the oranges would last a week. It must have been the anesthesia wearing off making me dream we'd keep 13pounds of oranges for more than two days.

7} Physical Therapy. I start on Tuesday. I am actually quite excited to try to move this left arm some more -- right now I'm thankful that I can type with it again. That's a baby step.  I was so blessed when the sweet receptionist at my physical therapy office told me how excited she was that I was coming back -- then in the next breath she said she was sorry that I had surgery but that she was excited to see me. It was pretty cute. I told her I was thankful to be seeing them all again. :)

8} My Popeye bicep. That's what I'm naming it. Apparently one of the side effects of my surgery is that your bicep looks a bit like Popeye's. And yes, mine looks just a tad bit different. Well, I'm just going to embrace that muscle and affectionately nickname it Popeye. A little humor helps some time....and spinach.  No wedding ring for left hand for another week -- my mother has it -- I gave it to her the morning of my surgery and forgot to get it back -- soon. Here's my "what I wore" post using a sling as a fashion accessory. Everyone needs a sling, right? ;)

9} The importance of goals. Somehow I had in my head that I'd have my surgery and then I'd be better than normal. Sigh. So I'm making new goals. Clean the boys room. Fold laundry. Drive. Play piano. Drink my latte with my left hand. Each one is another step. Forward. Life can be beautiful in the everyday, and those everyday little goals. Like today -- holding Samuel on my lap -- reading a book.

10} Made it to ten. Ending with a picture of the beautiful snowflake that Chloe made for our home. Oh yes, in case you were wondering about my reply back to the gal who wheeled me out of the surgery center here is exactly what I said -- Nothing's wrong with me, maam, I'm just very blessed.

And that's totally and completely true.

Linking up with Carissa. Whom I love. Who texted me a sweet prayer and get well greeting on the day of my surgery. Thank you, dear friend.

those raw places

{i wrote this late wednesday afternoon}

The tears just keep falling.

I should be happy.
At least I think I should be.

My surgery was a success.
My surgeon is happy.
And my chronic pain is significantly less.

And yet, here I am
sitting in my room.
Weeping.

Part of it feels selfish.
I'm crying because my arm might look different?
I feel like I should suck it up, pull it together, and be grateful.
Yet, I mourn that in order to get rid of pain
I had to change my arm.

Todd tells me it's a fallen world.
And that instead of looking at the four scars
that will dot my shoulder with contempt
that I should look at them as something to hold my head high for.

He tells me that it doesn't matter if my bicep looks different.
That instead of being ashamed of it
that I look at it as sign of victory.

I keep praying that.

But, friends, it's hard.

I mourn being able to do simple things.
Like lifting my arm.
Or carrying my babies.
Buttoning my jacket.
Typing with two hands.
Washing dishes.

Oh, I'll relearn all of this.
But, it will take time.

So I sit up here.
In this mixed up place of relief and sadness and thankfulness and pain.
Missing what I once had
But thankful for new things.

These earthly bodies, these temporary homes,
I'm so glad that one day I'll be made new.

But until then, until that day,
I will look at the string of scars and silly looking muscle
with joy and gratitude and thanksgiving.

And I will not look back.
I simply cannot.

I can only look forward
grateful for new things.

I will press on.

{just wanted to add that today, saturday, i can button my coat. baby steps, yes, but still encouraging and motivating steps.}

thoughts on planes, airports, and marriage

1} Last Monday if someone would have told me that I was going to Relevant I would have laughed and thought it to be impossible.  I know, I know, nothing is impossible for God. I'm witnessing it right now.

2} I do need to calm my nerves down. I think I must be operating at ultra-high-anxiety mode right now. I have to intentionally still my self -- I keep praying and asking the Lord to replace any anxiety with His peace.

3} Then of course, there's that flying thing again. If you recall from when I went to Hilton Head Island this summer that I wrote about how this girl, that's me, doesn't really care for flying. Well, due to the last minute nature of this amazing trip and opportunity, I am now flying the oddest and fullest flight possible. With many plane changes. Let's see -- on the way out? There will be three flights. Three take-offs, three landings. Not that I'm counting.

4} Then, and this is a prayer request, the time between plane changes on my first leg out {in Milwaukee, Wisconsin} is a grand total of 29 minutes. Yes, 29. Twenty-nine. Two tens plus nine ones. Thirty take away one. That's it. Thankfully, I've already studied the map of that airport and have discovered that all of the Delta flights are on the same concourse and that there aren't that many gates. But, anyways, if you'd pray that I make my connections I'd be extremely grateful.

That would be the Milwaukee Airport Map. Yes, I've been studying it.

5} And now, we get to plane size. Since I'm skipping across the country to Harrisburg I don't get the luxury of a larger plane. Nope. I'm on those regional sized planes. The ones where you can feel everything. Please add that to your prayer requests - peace for me on those teeny planes.

6} I had to do it this way. The other options were switching airlines on the way out and that would have entailed extra baggage fees. $25 a pop per airline. I originally wasn't going to bring a bag. And then I remembered -- conference with women. I'll need stuff. Well, really and honestly, my dear husband refused to let me just go with a carry-on because he was afraid I'd hurt my shoulder worse and then suffer the whole time I'm out there. I love him and am blessed by him.

7} God works in powerful and direct ways. I've been praying a great deal about marriage and strengthening our marriage and more. Well, tomorrow I'm going to introduce you to one of my sponsors, Ashley Pichea, who has written marvelous e-books and has a great blog. As part of my sponsorship I'm honored  to promote to you, and to the many amazing women at Relevant, her new e-book regarding marriage. It's called -31 Days to Build a Better Spouse {you can visit it at 31daystopray.com } And it's on the power of prayer. God knew. He knew my heart and knew beforehand how much I need to read this ebook. It's humbling. i"m excited to share more with you and to journey through her book.

Oh yes, and one last thing, anyone know anywhere where I could get business cards made fast? I've tried to price them online and they cost over $100 to get them made and shipped in time. Any options that you all know of?

Linking up with Carissa. Who will be going with me next year to Relevant. We're already planning it. :)

preparing....

I've scheduled my shoulder surgery.

I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous. I've known it was coming, and I've had the surgery on the schedule for a bit {it will be on November 21} but haven't really talked about it. I think I was trying not to look at it in a way. I keep waffling, going back and forth, wondering if it really needs to do it. Then I remember. I remember the two and a half months I did physical therapy. I remember July when all I wanted was for it to be fixed. I remember how just this morning it was hard for me to lift Samuel. And even, now, as I sit in my family room typing away, my shoulder aches.

It needs to be done.

So I'm preparing my family. I'm not too afraid of the surgery {except I'm a bit nervous about losing some range of motion} and I know that I will fight very hard in the months after to regain strength. Oh, alright, I'm pretty nervous {if I didn't write that, my mother would be calling me} about the whole thing. I just have to keep praying and praying. And letting go of the fact that it is scheduled, to me, in the worst possible time.

It's just not convenient.

It's the week of Thanksgiving, and then the whole month of December where I'll wear that lovely shoulder sling. That just doesn't seem too festive. But, I'm working on letting that go -- that's not the reason for Christmas, you know. And now, I'm planning and preparing. Thinking about getting the Christmas lights out the week before and working to string them up. Planning out the homeschool, photocopying pages, and writing lists. Freezing some gluten free meals. Doing my physical therapy so that I can prepare myself and be as strong as possible.

And praying. And asking my friends to pray.

And learning to let my ideal agenda go. Again.

And again. And again.

And again.

and the surgeon says....

(tell me some of you watched Family Feud)

...wait.

Yep. Wait. Four little letters making a word that drives me batty. I am not a wait kind of gal. I'm a let's fix it so I can move on with life kind of gal.

Actually, the surgeon wants me to do 3 weeks of intense physical therapy to see if we can strengthen that pesky pesky shoulder of mine. My mri was fairly inconclusive thanks to almost 20 year old anchors placed in my shoulder from my previous surgeries. So, I have to work with a physical therapist in order to judge strength and stability. Starting today.

That means if I have surgery it will be in the beginning of September. When school starts.

I had intended to start this school year running. Flying. On schedule. You know, organized. Ready to go. Ahead of the curve. Eager. Not possibly recovering from major shoulder surgery.

Let it go.

That's what I'm telling myself. Learning doesn't have to start in early September. We can start later. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. But, I don't want to. I want to cling so tightly to this idea of having the perfect 2011-2012 school year that takes place with a magnificent launch in September. Oh, that was my wish.

I'm starting to realize that success and joy cannot be based on a silly September start date.

Let it go.

We cling to stuff, don't we? It's ironic the things that get me worked up -- schedules, and organization, and the perfect plans. When they don't seem to go the way I had envisioned it takes me a bit to regroup -- to let it go. But, you know, if I sat here lamenting about my not so ideal September it would trickle down to my family. They'd pick up on the vibe, the mood that I'm in. I don't want frustration to run deep -- that's not me.

So I tell them that ninja mom is going to go work that shoulder out. And who knows -- maybe I won't need surgery and can just get by doing physical therapy for the next 3-4 months. Ha ha ha -- my arms would be in awesome shape.

Let it go.

But whatever it is? I'm okay with it. We'll adapt. And life doesn't have to be based on that day in September.

I won't let it be.

I'm letting it go.

teeny spaces are not my favorite

I've got my shoulder mri this afternoon.

My first question to the receptionist when they set it up was -- do I have to go all the way in that ridiculously small tunnel? -- to which she calmly responded -- yes, all the way and you also have to get an iv and injection during the 45 minute procedure.  I don't think I hid my fears well.

Be still my not-liking-teeny-spaces heart.

There's a radiologist and a doctor that will be helping me out. The dye? Visibility. As if a mri isn't enough, now I get to start in the teeny tube -- get some images of that pesky shoulder -- be pulled out and get injected with some dye into my arm -- and then get pushed back into it.

Again, be still my not-liking-teeny-spaces heart.

And my not-liking-needles-too-much heart. Or dye.

So this morning, I'm trying to meditate on the truth of the Lord. I'm reading verses of peace and am prepping myself for that hour in the mri where I will truly have to rest in Him.  

Be still my soul.

I've been looking at pictures of the ocean -- of the wildlife -- and the waves -- and of me on our trip -- carefree and rejoicing and am filled with such gratitude for the seven days I was blessed there. In some ways it was a preparation -- although I didn't know that -- for the weeks to come. When I sat in the waves I remember realizing that I needed the truth of Jesus -- of His power and love -- to replace all those worries and anxieties that clouded my thinking.

Today, at 2:45 pm, while they push me into that teeny space I will remember.

I'll remember a week where I raised my arms freely.

{amy and me, with my crazy south carolina curly hair, on the dolphin cruise}

And I'll thank Jesus for His peace.

And for that  teeny mri space -- even though I don't like it that much -- I'm still grateful for it.

And I'll be still. Still for the images and praying for stillness in my heart.

Be still my soul.

2:54 am

{I wrote this last night, and never hit publish till this morning. Debated with not publishing, but then decided to share those middle of night thoughts with you all.}

I'm down in the living room awake.

I was going to blame it on the constant thunder outside -- and Caleb crying out because he was nervous -- but I realized that I was awake prior to that. My pain pill wore off and has left me in this foggy (and slight ill feeling) state. With returned pain.  Which makes me wonder if I might just try to plow through these next 8 days with just ibuprofen....

But, the house is fairly quiet.

Oh, there are those little noises. The air conditioner running. The old computer. Faint thunder in the distance. Brennan sniffling (I think he needs allergy meds). And my fingers hitting the keys.

I had written two blog posts earlier tonight -- posts about my journey right now and how I am going to have to surrender those schedules of mine. They talked about faith and fear and trust. From being able to get all the homeschool curriculum we need (since I'm probably not going to be up to selling all mine now) to realizing that this is just a season. A season that I've been trying to run away from. Avoid. Because, after all it is almost August and there is so much to be done in August to prep for the fall. Being forced to do a fraction of what one normally likes to do typically isn't my choice of seasons to hang out in.

It's not really convenient.

And then, as I was typing up an email response to my friend Amy @ Raising Arrows, it hit me so profoundly that this season is teaching me things. About me. And my tendency to create control in my life -- from homeschooling to cleaning to organizing to perfectionism -- and how really, I need to lessen my grip. Which is a hard thing to do.  Especially, like I've written about, when that clenched fist of control is sometimes there as a way to hide from dealing with deeper issues.

Like fear. Or not measuring up. Worry.

When it's 3:08 in the morning it's so easy to slip into sadness and worry. I know I'll be tired in the morning. I see the pile of laundry to take down. There's this mental checklist of things to get done. And, emotionally, well emotionally part of me just wants to worry. And get frustrated.

So I've let myself feel frustrated. Just for a moment. And then I've made myself let it go -- praying that the Lord will take those feelings and replace them. Frustration to hope. Fear to faith. Of not measuring up to seeing myself as His daughter. And worry to peace.

The lightening is impressive outside. The sky is lit -- even in the darkness of night. It reminds me of joy. And the goodness of God. Sometimes it's there in the middle of the night, but you just need to be looking for it.

It's 3:13 am.

And I'm going to try to sleep.

At peace.

{thanks for all the prayers for my shoulder. Like I stated in the post, I am scheduled for an mri this week. I just needed to wait until they have a doctor available as they need to use the mri contrast dye to look for tears deep within and this requires a special doctor. All the doctors have moved me to the category of "pain management" until I see the surgeon. I'm prepping myself now for what feels inevitable....and still seeking joy.}

plans to give you hope and a future

I don't like sitting still.
I like to move and do things.

Clean.
Garden.
Organize (really).
Plan.
Visit.
Be busy.

And now, this week, I've been spending a great deal of my time doing nothing. I can only sit up and stand for so long -- then I'm forced back onto my back unable to really move due to fairly unrelenting pain.

Last week was supposed to be my week of rest. Of doing nothing.

This was supposed to be my week of getting back on track. Deep cleaning. Planning. Being busy. You know, life.

I'm struggling with it. I suppose a great deal of it is due to the pain. Which, this morning, is not a whole lot better. The injection went surprisingly well -- they told me they rarely see people so calm on the table for their first time -- I know it was the prayers. And while I know that it takes a couple days for the pain to subside, I am noticing that the pain is starting to focus on my shoulder. While that's what they wanted to find out, it also scares me.

I might be forced into sitting still even longer.

I know there's a lesson in here and in this time. While I was on the plane, flying somewhere over Kentucky, while staring at the massive storm clouds displaying their lightening outside, I began to realize that in that moment my control in the scenario of life was out of my hands. I was in the plane. I had to depend on others -- the pilot and ground control  -- to make the call on what was safe and doable. Every bone in my being wanted to just land that plane, and yet, I knew I didn't have that power. So instead, I resorted to praying and resting and seeking the beauty in that electrical display outside my window.

There's no massive storm out my window now, but I am being put in a place where I'm forced to wait to do the things that I wanted to do and the things I deemed so important. And redirect my focus. Finding joy in new things. In rest.

Sigh.

I know there's a lesson here. Good things. It's just a challenge to someone who spends her life thriving on being busy and keeping themselves "productive" -- all that stuff that I use to hide worry, and anxiety, and fears -- now that I don't have the physical means to be so busy those raw emotions are right on the table.

God knows. In Jeremiah 29:11 He assures us that He knows the plans He has for me. So I'll rest in that truth, that knowledge, and while resting learn to seek the joy in spending time in rest. In being open and vulnerable about my feelings. About being forced to seek Him first -- not the never ending list of to-do's -- and in that seeking rest in Him. In being okay with asking for help.

It's already taught me to be grateful even more. And has shown me how blessed I am with friends -- that I've met and in many of you -- who take time to help, to pray, and to offer an encouraging word.

I am so blessed.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. {Jeremiah 29:11}