mom motivation - tips to keep the day in balance

Years ago, I remember reading an article that tried to put a monetary value on motherhood - it is well over 100k - and lists all these things that moms do. The cleaning, counseling, driving, cooking, teaching, and more and gives it an arbitrary monetary value (If someone would love to pay me that I'll gladly accept). But despite those high claiming numbers of how much we're worth as moms it is very easy to lose our motivation  in the day to day. Trust me, I know. I've stared at Mount Washmore and wished for the actual laundress to come in and fold all of those clothes and to find the forever missing sock. And secret - I have to set a date of every three months to throw out those old socks - otherwise I'll keep them forever. I've wished for the cook or the driver or the person who would just keep the legoes sorted.

But, for most of us, that's simply not a reality. We need to stay motivated - in motion. Here are some simple things that help with the mom motivation.

develop a routine
Simply develop a routine that works for your family. Go ahead and read about other's routines, but remember to craft a routine that fits your family's unique dynamic. Some of you may thrive with things calculated down to fifteen minute increments while others of you might simply need a framework for the day. But, develop something. Here's why - when the days get a bit crazy the routine can help you get your day back on track. It also offers somethings solid for your day. Make sure to cultivate time in the day where you can rest, relax, and not have to do work. You could work all day long. Choose to add buffer space within your schedule.

remember stress is a choice
This awesome phrase was told to me by my friend, John Miller, and he writes about it in his book QBQ! The Question Behind the Question. I heard him speak it in Florida while I was at the BEECH Retreat, but I will tell you those words stress is a choice has stuck with me. {I highly recommend reading his books, and am in fact reviewing some of them now} How often do you or I mutter the phrase - I'm so stressed out. We say the words, and then aim for that target - stressed out. What if the word stress was eliminated from our vocabulary? If as moms we started to realize that stress is a choice then we can motivate ourselves during our day. Are there difficult things that we must do? Yes, but if we choose to not get stressed, then we are staying one step ahead. For me, it is recognizing that something is causing me stress and then deciding what to do with it but not sit in it. There is power in that decision making process.  Look at your day, and do the best with what you are dealt, and keep moving.



do not worry
(Or at least really work on not worrying.) These are words from my dad. I remember calling him up one time and him telling me to stop worrying. And I thought about it, and asked him how I couldn't but not worry, and he asked me what all of that worry was doing for me. What was the benefit? Just as stress is a choice I also strongly believe that worry is a choice. It's easy to sit in a cycle of worry - but moms, check your thoughts and how quickly you revert to worry. Instead use those moments where you are worrying to instead ask yourself what you can do now or else put the worry on the shelf. Or, and I've done this, allow yourself to worry for two minutes about it, and then choose to move on. Worrying depletes motivation.

do one thing.
A mantra in my home is do one thing and do it well. Now, as I write that to you, you must also know that I am the queen of multi-tasking. I am constantly doing a zillion and thirty-two things and a time (or at least it feels that way), but I've learned for those moments where overwhelm threatens to bump my mood that I need to choose to do one thing from my list and to complete it with excellence. The zillion and thirty-one things can wait until that one thing is done. And often, that one thing means sitting down, grabbing the Richard Scarry book and reading. Or taking a walk, gardening, cleaning up email (set the timer), vacuuming, playing cars - simple things - but beautiful things.

be the thermostat.
I've shared this before, but find it worth sharing again. My very dear friend Amy told me years ago that we need to be the thermostat in our homes and not the thermometer. A thermometer matches the temp, the mood, in the home. A thermostat regulates the temp, or the mood, in the home. It's very easy to slip back into the thermometer role, but then often moods, anxiety, misbehavior, and all of that can get ramped up. Step back, take a breath, and regulate what is going on. Remember to do that one thing well. Whisper, do whatever it takes to bring the level, the mood, in the home back to a motivating level. Some days this is a huge challenge, just keep at it, moms. You can do it.

take you time.
Even though you have the title mom to your name now, you also are you. Don't lose sight of the things that you love to do in the midst of motherhood. Instead work to cultivate them as well. What do you love? What are your passions? It is great to be passionate about all things motherhood, but keep those things that are so uniquely you active as well. We want our children to grow and work on their dreams, and we need to also continue to be shaping and spending some time on thing we love. Play the piano, garden, write, sew, speak, paint - just create space for those moments for you as well. They are really times to recharge self - don't forget the importance of that as well. Besides blessing you it also will bless your children and teaches them to not only go after dreams but to refine things that they love.

celebrate your story
Be proud of your life. Look at your story. Chances are it's quite beautiful. I know, you might tell me that it's too messy too be beautiful, but really, when you look at the most beautiful stories they are the ones that aren't perfect. Begin to celebrated your story, your life, and the moments that you are blessed to share. A couple of months ago I told you to put the soundtrack station on Pandora on while you worked. Do it again - let the epic quality music fill your home and give grandiour to what you are doing. Let that motivate you, spur you on, and encourage you. Each of our lives is a grand story - we just forget at times to see the beauty in our stories. Celebrate that today.



Some simple things to motivate you as moms. I know I need those motivating things during some of those crazy days of motherhood. It's been a week of encouragement, and pulling up the boot straps, and really doing the hard things. Motherhood is a balancing act - getting it all done, enjoying the moments, not being too hard on ourselves (remember dear mom who needs to let go of mom guilt), being the thermostat, and at some point resting.

You can do motherhood.

****

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the rushing mom embraces today

A couple days ago I shared with you two little words in my post 5 Ways to Be More Present Today that I have to tell myself all the time - don't rush. I was surprised by how many of you resonated with that phrase - that rushing, hurrying through life phrase that even though we don't want to be racing through our day that we still rush phrase. It's no wonder. Culture is simply not set up to sit still - it's a racing, rushing, speeding society where we're taught if you don't constantly push you'll be immediately behind.

It's pressure. It's expectations to do, to be, to purchase, to perform, to maintain - it's a blur of needs and wants and must haves lumped into the everyday.

Yet, there is this balance that needs to be found - a balance of moving with knowing how to breathe and simply sit and embrace today. Motherhood is in a way a counterpoint to the rushing - it is full of moments, life moments, joy, learning, laughter, that in essence requires not rushing, not racing, not hurrying to get through.

I am a racer. I wake up in the morning feeling behind and move frenetically throughout the day constantly trying to just break even. It's like treading water sometimes. I'll tell myself I'll get to those real important moments - the book reading, car driving, painting, sitting on the couch, baking cookies - in just a minute, in a second, after I quick finish everything that is staring at me constantly in the face. Then I'll go to bed, and think about how the next day I want to be intentional, and concrete, and stop rushing through the moments that I'm blessed with each day.

And yet, I do it again. Running. Rushing. Racing.

Slowing down is not simple for me. Slowing down is a discipline. It takes work to focus my mind and actually play with the Tow Mater car that Samuel hands to me and interact with him and the 29 other cars that he's dragged into the living room to play with. It is work. It often means that my living room looks lived in by the time 4 pm rolls around. And that is okay - I'll clean it at 5pm. But, if I don't let the freedom of a box of cars dumped out over my floor at times and me, the busy mom, on the floor with them, then I'm losing out on moments that matter. Honestly? I want to rush through or avoid the mess and just keep it looking perfect all the time. But then I sacrifice that sweet laughing moment with my three year old. And I really don't want to lose that.

So what to do? How do you, how do I, learn to balance the to-do list without rushing within the race of motherhood? We do, after all, have to keep up with a very real, and very large to-do list. It simply needs to get done. Yet, there needs to be this balance between the racing and the embracing of the day.

One thing I've learned, and I've shared before,  is to begin to write down on my to-do list some non rushing through the day items. Play cards. Read for 15 minutes. Take the girls for coffee. Watch the sunrise while sitting on the front porch. Build with legos. Help them write a story. Get the dress up box out. Play catch in the backyard.  If they're not in front of my face then often I won't do them.

I want to live an intentional relationship focused life -- just like many of you so sweetly write to me about in the emails, comments, and facebook notes. We're in this together, this journey to find balance in motherhood. And it is balance. I want a clean laundry caught up dinner done by 6pm home just as much as you do - but I also, just like many of you write, don't want to be so stuck on this ideal that I become discontent, grumbling, and racing to keep everything looking a certain way that I push the moments with my kids aside till the rarely coming time when I slow down and stop.

Take two minutes, reflect on motherhood and joy and what truly matters, and figure out what the you are going to wish that you had just put down your agenda of stuff and instead embraced their agenda moments actually are. Maybe it's rocking just a bit longer in the morning with the toddler. Maybe it's making chocolate chip cookies with the four year old and letting them help even though it's a mess. Maybe it's a walk around the block. Maybe you read the same book over and over and stop to answer every single question that pops up after ever 18 words.

Slow down, just for a moment, and plan.

Otherwise today will simply race past and tomorrow will come and another and again and again.

Slow down. Just for a bit.

The rushing mom meets real life today. And for this one? She's going to slow down. Just a bit.

What are some moments that you want to embrace today?

to read another post on intentional living click What Can You Do Today to Be More Intentional
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one year off - or how we decided to stop the crazy cycle of busy and instead rediscover family

Several years ago I wrote a post titled reclaiming family. The post had pictures of my kids at the local orchard, among pumpkins, dried corn, cute sure you can pet them animals, and old grumbly tractors that moved throughout the apple tree groves. I wrote words about being busy and how I just wanted to reclaim our family - more family times, less time driving, less doing things that took away from time together.

Yet, for two more years I kept being that busy.

Racing, really. From here to there and there to here and here to there and sometimes somewhere in between. Family dinners were smooshed inbetween the busy - and the activities while they were good - they were also busy and they kept us, as a family, busy all the time.

I was exhausted.

My children were exhausted.

I could see it. They lived in this hurry up hurry hurry hurry we're going to be late let's get going come on come on get in the car let's leave now type of life.

So we decided to stop.

And that decision - to say no to the extracurriculars for a season - was one of the hardest decisions that we've made. It was saying no to really great things - ballet and taekwondo and extra classes and all of that - but we said no so that we could sit around the table as a family over dinner and just be.

We wanted to learn how to breathe again.

And so here we are - three months into this reclaiming family space - and we are relearning and readjusting our rhythm of life. Dinners are slower. My children have relaxed - I see it - they are calmer, less stressed, and much more optimistic. Who would have thought the busy would pull at their optimism? And yet, it had.

I see joy trickling back in our home.

It's still hard. I fight the thoughts of we need to do this everyone is involved in extracurriculars what if my kids are missing out and all of that. I've just had to turn away those worries and instead look at my entire family gathered around the table in my kitchen and remember that these days are limited. I want to guard them and live intentional - making the best use of my time and guarding my children's hearts. My Hannah? She's got less than two years till she graduates - it's either now or it's never - she'll be grown and gone and I would have raced through it all.

It's about rediscovering family.

And ultimately when I am old and rocking in my white rocking chair on my front porch with begonias blooming in pots and ferns in a basket I know I will look back on those days when my kids were young and I know that I would rather remember dinner on the table with all seven of my children gathered around versus the racing frenetic life that was before.

We decided to look at culture's norm of being busy and for a season say no.

I don't know how long we'll choose to live this way, but for now, I'm embracing the everyday and am truly trying to etch in my brain this time as a family together.

It's our one year off.

And we're finding joy again.

*****

It's been so intriguing watching my children learn to re-adapt to a slower pace of life. In that intentional stillness they've rediscovered interests and talents that had been pushed to the side by the constant busy life and racing to catch up. Do I think the activities are bad? Absolutely not. In fact, I am so blessed that my children have had these opportunities in their life. For our family, during this season, it was about being very intentional and stepping back and slowing down. 
I plan on sharing more of our one year off journey as the year progresses. To receive finding joy via email simply click subscribe to finding joy.

7 ways to cultivate simple in a busy world

When I was in Times Square at midnight a couple weeks ago I remember remarking to my friend Jenn that New York City truly doesn't sleep. The people, the lights, the noise - it was vibrant, loud, exciting and ultimately tiring. You could walk several blocks from there and the pace slowed down. But, you had to make a choice to leave the busy and be okay with the fact that the busy atmosphere will keep going and you aren't a part of it.

It's the same in this digitally out-of-breath never stopping racing through all hours world that we live in. Alerts, options, deals, words, news, strategies, new things - it all comes racing at us at all hours. The information doesn't stop, the activities pile up, and then we end up out of breath teaching our kids to live exhausted and we lose the beauty in the simple, peaceful moments of life.

Here are 7 Ways to Cultivate Simple.

1. Shut the Media Off. Set designated times throughout the day to shut the media off. Close the laptop lid, make sure the television is off, put the ipods, ipads, nintendo ds, and all hand helds away. And put your phone away. Turn it off. When Hannah was little the advice I would get was to turn off my landline phone for a bit -- just a landline. And now? Now the media sources, the chatter of information, is everywhere. We have to be intentional about closing it and teaching our children that it is okay to walk away for just a bit. Set the timer on your stove and keep media off that entire time. There is stillness and power in choosing to silence the noise.

2. Know that there is no ahead. You buy a computer and it's outdated. The new phone? Last month's model. You miss a day on facebook and your stream is racing with updates. There really is no getting ahead in social media information. Recognize it. Know that you'll be behind, and yet there really is no behind or no ahead - it is all just a constant chatter of information. So, instead, pick and chose when to enter and when to exit and know that you set your own rules with regards to digital information. But remember there is ahead with regards to family and relationships. Choose them first.

3. Embrace Conversation. Make it a point to sit down with your kids and simply talk. Go out and get coffee with your friends and talk in real life. Establish family dinner nights and keep them. I know, there are activities that we could do every night of the week. It looks fabulous on paper, doesn't it? But, often times all those good things propel us into moving faster, and having clipped conversations with those we love, and we lose the intentional one on one family time of dinners and simple conversation. We have only so many days with everyone sitting at our table in our home so we must chose to make those conversation moments a priority.

4. Get rid of Stuff. Most of my own aggravation comes from managing stuff. Cleaning, sorting, donating, organizing, cleaning again, sorting and on and on and on. The amount of stuff within my home is ridiculous, and yet, I go to Target and fill the cart with more stuff to bring home. That saying less is more? Well, it's true. Begin to carve out space within your home and get rid of extra stuff.  Create breathing room within your home. Less stuff means less time managing stuff which means more time for your family which means you can breathe.

5. Ask Questions. Constantly ask questions. Do I need it? Does this matter? How will this help my family? Will this give me more time or less time? Just like I write about being awake, and living aware of the gift of time, and part of that means that we are on alert to how we use our time, manage our things, and schedule our day. Ask yourself questions and keep yourself sharp and intentional with your use of time - and this will end up guarding your time and helps you to use it wisely.

6. Start the Day with Quiet. Do not start your day by picking up your phone and checking messages. Do not open your laptop and sit down in front of it while your kids ask you over and over for breakfast. Get up earlier than they do, and create quiet for your day. Pray, journal, write, and start your day with just a bit of quiet. It sets the tone for the entire day. If you have to work on the computer in the morning, set the timer {see point one}, and be diligent in respecting the timer. Your kids, your family, will see you manage your media time and they will learn by your example. Start reclaiming the still found in the morning.

7. Walk. Take walks. And I mean take walks without media - turn off the stream of info and instead take walks where you can experience quiet. Take your kids and converse and embrace the conversation. Walk, and slow down. I guess, that's the whole thing, this whole idea of cultivating simple in two words - slow down.

I need to remind myself of that daily. Slow down.

What do you do to cultivate simple in a busy world?

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the real to-do list

When I wake up in the morning, before my feet hit the floor, I'll see everything that needs to be accomplished. I'll mull over it all, check the calender, and start racing through the day. Changing laundry, folding, tidying the kitchen, checking emails, starting the sprinkler, paying bills, school planning, lawn mowing, finding library books, dinner prep, clothing sorting - I'm on a mission to get through my day and get through the never ending to-do list.

Move. Move. Move.

And in the midst of the moving will come the mom cry. Mom, mom, mom, MOM. I'll hear it. May I have cereal with milk? Will you read me a story? Can you play with me? Would you find me new shorts? When are we going? Can we got to the park? What's for dinner? Do you like dinosaurs or tigers better? Are you listening to me?  

I'll mumble my answers, trying to look them in the eye and really listen, but I'm still the distracted mom or the in a minute mom. It's that to-do list. That never ending laundry shouldn't even be on it because it's like breathing to-do list. It's the to-do list of needed things, and important things, and valuable things that often is so huge and daunting and overwhelming.

I want to finish it.

My kids want me.

They don't care about the to-do list or that organize the bathroom linen closet has been on there for 3.5 weeks. They want me. They want me to listen, to pay attention, to play with them, and to not see them through the lens of the never ending to-do list. Then I've become the distracted, preoccupied, and not living grateful with her to-do list in front of her not taking a break mom.

So hard. And I'm not very good at remembering it. I'll tell myself things like when I get the laundry done then I'll play legos with them and then next thing you know I find something else in the laundry room to do. And they're waiting. They're waiting for a mom who's stuck in a cycle of perpetually busy and who keeps herself busy because of things that she wrote down that were important to accomplish.

The to-do list won.

It frustrates me if I go to bed at night thinking of all the things that I accomplished and then realizing that I didn't accomplish the real important - that intentional time with my children. With those kids that are growing up right in front of me, the kids who see this crazy busy mom with a never-ending to-do list that some days won't slow down a bit to allow them in her space.

I'm adding them to the to-do list.

Real time. Not fake time, not time where I'm supposed to be playing duplos in the room with Samuel and I'm actually sorting toys and semi-playing. No, I'm talking about real, intentional, laughing and enjoying the moments time. And I won't feel guilty. Ever have that? When you know that you must stop your to-do list and then when you do you sit down feeling like you should be doing all that stuff on the list? I do.

Those hearts matter more than finishing the list.

You know what I've found? I've found that I actually accomplish more when I slow down a bit versus those days when I plow through the list becoming the crabby mom who complains about having to do all this work and grumbles about having a messy house.

It's focus. It's living awake. It's being aware.

Put your family on the to-do list. Add a slot for each member and carve out the time for them. The nature of busy is that even if you think you'll get around to playing with them or reading to them or taking the walk the reality is that unless it's intentionally plotted it won't happen. I don't want to think back to these motherhood days regretting all the should have done moments and being irritated at myself for trying to keep a to-do list perfectly complete.

My kids will remember me. Not the list.

Put them on the list.

Join me?

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dear in a minute mom

I just told him in a minute.

It was this book, an old Arthur book from my older daughters, and he wanted me to read it to him. Caleb had asked twice already during the day and again last night right when I was making dinner. But, I was truly busy - I had ballet schedules to keep, dinner to make, a board meeting to attend, a review to write, and an email to respond to that was supposed to have been done yesterday.

In a minute, Caleb.

I kept moving. Finishing all I needed to do. The book? It just sat there on the old plaid couch next to the leaf pillow on a stack of books that were waiting to be read. It sat there till the next morning, this morning, when I sat down with a piping hot mug of coffee and my netbook and a quiet house with which to work. I looked over at the book, the well-worn and read book, and thought of that six year old sleeping upstairs waiting for the in a minute minute to come.

The minute never came yesterday.

I know you are busy. I get that frenzied and unending pace of things to do. We're constantly pushed to do more, create more, cook more, bake more, decorate more, teach more, organize more, garden more, host more, volunteer more, drive more, excel more, and ultimately to compare more. Us moms will see that massive to-do list, the never ending tasks, the schedule that is bursting without the empty days, the laundry spilling into the hallway, and the toys dumped out. No wonder we say in a minute.

For me it means stopping.

It means stepping off of the frenzied to-do list of today and sitting. It means hanging up the phone or closing the laptop and choosing to get down on their level, whatever level it may be, and looking them in the eye and listening to the questions that so often get the quick in a minute answers. Not the kind of listen that my kids have dealt with, you know, the mom, mom, mom, Mom cry where they're trying to get the distracted me to pay attention and listen.

It's hard. Often being a mother feels like living in a gigantic game of catch up. You'll get everything just so, just perfect, and then well, then someone puts socks in the laundry hamper, or the milk spills, or the phone rings, or the timer on the oven buzzes. Real stuff. Keeping us busy. All the time.

Don't let life, don't let the crazy pace of life, the unending cycle of busy rob you from the minutes with your family. Don't let the books that they want to read stay on the couch for days until the day when that old Arthur book never leaves the shelf because the six year old has grown and lost interest in the story.

Just watch the in a minutes. Or the just a seconds, waits, hold ons, and more.

Does it mean never using those phrases? Absolutely not. I mean seriously, if you're changing a diaper and your four year old wants to go outside and the six year old is asking for paints and the eight year old wants to go on a bike ride there is no way you can do that right at that second. However, we can give an intentional, a really listening answer - we can bike this afternoon, we will go outside after lunch, we can't do that today.  It's the real answer that matters {and sometimes it means saying no}. It's not about dropping everything all the time, although some of the time we simply do need to let our agenda go,  instead it's about watching the answers so that the real importants don't get left sitting on a couch for days.

It's progress. Not perfection. My husband reminded my six year old of that yesterday and then reminded me of it as well. Now, today, I'm reminding you, the in a minute mom, to remember those words of truth. Just keep trying, just keep watching those in a minutes - it's the being aware and watching the answers and working to do those in a minute things matters.

You really are doing a great job. It's progress. Just pick up the book and read it now.

That's what I did.

*****

this post is part of an ongoing series of letters to moms. Other letters include -  Dear overworked mom, dear overwhelmed mom Dear Moms with Littles,  Dear Tired Mom,  Dear Mom of the Little Boy with Celiac Disease. To receive daily updates please click Subscribe to finding joy.

using time wisely.

Yesterday, I  was intentional with my time.

 Actually, to be very blunt, I was intentional with my computer time. I let myself on in the morning, and then I made myself close the laptop lid and walk away.

And I would only allow myself ten minute windows to pop on.

Then I walked away. Again.

And again.

And again.

It's amazing how quickly the computer -- and good things -- takes over time. A minute here, a minute there, a quick check, an email reply, a tweet, a facebook update. Time just keeps moving -- and I often end up crabby and complaining of "too little time" to get everything done.

As I sit here writing this I'm amazed at all I accomplished yesterday -- laundry, played some games, baked cookies, cleaned, deep cleaned the boys room {that deserves it's own status}, made a great dinner, went out to coffee, got groceries, and you know what? I feel good about how I used my time. I stayed on top of the most important -- my home and my family -- and I still was able to write and use my online time. Wisely.

Clock your time.

That's what I've been doing. Using the computer? It's a good thing. Using the computer too much so that your family doesn't see your face and instead they just here those in a minutes? Not so good. So as this year comes to a close and the new year looms on the horizon I'm aiming to be wiser with time.

Do the real important.

Let me read to my kids, and not just let them see me reading a screen.

Let me use time wisely.

soccer on thursday

This ballet mom is venturing into a new world.

Soccer.

And, I'm loving it. Brennan enjoyed summer soccer and is already begging to play again in the fall. I'll see him in the backyard practicing over and over and over.

Does it take our time? Absolutely. But, I'm willing to dedicate time so that Brennan can enjoy what he loves. It's tricky because it's a balance -- family time and sports and ballet -- but in the end I'm always grateful for giving of the time. I see the results. More confidence, increased athleticism, and seriously? joy.

There will come a day when I'm not nearly as busy and I know I'll miss these days of finding cleats and soccer balls and putting the laundry in and pulling hair into buns. Instead of fighting the movement I have to sit and embrace it and not allow to be defined as busy. It's just life. And we're blessed to partake in so many wonderful opportunities.

Having children is a blessing. One that I'm determined to embrace. And for Brennan -- and soon to be Caleb -- it meant sitting on a camping chair with my hand on the bug spray and my eyes on him. Proud.

Okay, moms -- tell me how you managed your time between kids activities. I'm determined to be positive and grateful for these opportunities while, at the same time, maintaining balance. How do you/did you/or plan to do it? I'd love to know.

A disclaimer about soccer: I've actually been around soccer a great deal -- my little sister went to college on a full soccer scholarship so I have memories of going to her games and bringing little Hannah and Chloe to games-- but, it's a new world for this household to have one of my own fully jump into the sport.